생활 = saenghwal = life

美冬チョコレート

2012-02-08T13:41:00.000+08:00

In my last winter holidays, I got this from the Ishiya Factory in Sapporo that manufactures 白い恋人. Having tasted quite a wide variety of chocolates all over the world, I was somewhat of a chocolate snob and I wasn't too impressed with this selection in the beginning.

But when I opened the box and saw the selection, I knew I was in for a treat. There are three kinds of chocolate wafers - black chocolate with blueberry, milk chocolate with caramel and white chocolate with melon. Don't they already sound exquisite? Bearing in mind that Hokkaido is a food paradise rich in high-quality milk products.

I'll post a review once I've tried all three flavours. :)

2012 Resolutions

2012-01-29T22:26:00.003+08:00

I'm almost a month late, but better late than never. Looking back at last year's resolutions, I have to guiltily admit that I can hardly recall the goals I previously set for myself.

Eat more fruits - Still too little to feel healthy
Drink more water - Yes!
Sleep earlier - Getting better but still some way to go
Be more physically active - Totally missed target
Be more efficient - Ditto
Learn to let go more - Hmm only if I did not have a choice, which is probably not a good thing
Learn to cook! - Sigh

This year's resolutions will hopefully be more SMART - specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, time-based.

Climb Mt Kinabalu (which indirectly contributes to the exercise objective since I need to train)
Get a house
Get a new job or go back to study
Go on a holiday with mom
Sleep before 1am every night
Brush up my diving skills
Make it a point to lunch out at least twice a week
Be less of a bitch (ie. be a nicer person)

Any feedback on my resolutions?

Forgiveness

2011-08-22T01:27:00.001+08:00

So I got into a car accident.

I sent him to the airport earlier for his Bangkok secondment, and was quite distracted throughout. I was thinking about how strange the vibes between us were. But that's another topic in itself. As I drove his car back, I decided to take it for a wash, since I was tasked to do so.

I wasn't paying attention, and I ended up "kissing" someone else's backside and ALSO cracking his bodykit.

The sense of doom was imminent before I even got off the car. I was at a loss on what to do, but I didn't panic, get upset or break down. I guess that's the benefit of being older. My first thought was: "He's going to kill me." It was his beloved car.

I had to call him for an action plan, but he was already boarding the flight. "Call your dad to go over," he said. "Call YH. He'll tell you what to do."

After the dust settled, I waited his flight to land, and for his anger to erupt all over me. After all, he would have had 2 hours and 30 minutes onboard to stew over my carelessness.

He didn't contact me after he got into Bangkok. He called YH instead, and asked how bad the damage was. YH said he sounded quite angry. I thought: "He must be, since the cold treatment has kicked in."

I think this qualifies as the 2nd worst day of 2011, after my horrendous birthday non-celebration.

But when he finally replied to my texts, this was what he said:

"I am not angry w u"
"Just reached hotel"

That's when I finally broke down.

It was gratitude, relief, amazement and guilt all rolled together. Gratitude because he wasn't going to make me feel worse than I already felt. Relief because I was expecting all hell to break loose, but it didn't. Amazement because I didn't for once imagine he would have responded the way he did. And guilt because I thought worse of him than he really was.

Forgiveness is a very powerful and precious gift.

Fuzzy Feeling

2011-08-10T11:20:00.001+08:00

Silly of me but that's how I felt after this chat:

It reminded of all the good old times we went shopping and fawned over frivolous things such as clothes, accessories and shoes. Of course we are not as carefree as before, but for a while, the nostalgia was a sweet reminder of the simpler pleasures of life.

July

2011-08-09T01:28:00.001+08:00

July was a bit of an odd month, busy with short travels but also quite alone since the Boy was seconded to Bangkok for a few weeks.

I spent the first week in Bangkok shopping, eating and working together with the Boy. There were two highlights during the trip. One was spent watching Just Go With It in bed and chomping on potato chips, only for the Boy to splay tea all over during a particularly funny scene. I have not laughed so hard for a long long time. Another was when I was heading back to Singapore, and the Boy accompanied me all the way on the airport on the train. It isn't a big gesture, but it meant a lot to me.

Funny how things have changed. A couple of years back, shopping would have been the highlight of my Bangkok trip. But this trip is remembered for the time with him and other Bangkok friends.

The following weekend was spent in Langkawi. Another great holiday filled with nice memories of the private Datai Bay, the Andaman resort screening movies by the beach, watching the sunset on the peaks of Mt Mat Cincang and Gunung Raya, etc. I would love to go back again.

In between, I also managed to catch a few reads:

Nobody Said It Would Be Easy by Marilyn Halvorson
Room by Emma Donoghue
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot
Songs Of The Humpback Whale by Jodi Picoult

Nobody is an old well-loved book I managed to source from Amazon. Room and Henrietta Lacks are recent and also particularly impressive to me. Go read both if you can.

Servant Leadership

2011-07-29T00:39:00.000+08:00

It's been a long while since the last post and as usual, things have been hectic and eventful. For some reason, it always is like this for me.

But anyway.

Rather than updating about my personal life, I came across the concept of servant leadership, and that is what prompted this post (besides the fact that I'm finally able to take a slight breather tonight).

While I wouldn't say that I have worked in many organizations across different verticals, the turnover in my industry is high enough for me to say that I have seen my fair share of leaders with different management styles.

Some are hierarchical, others quite laissez faire; some very business-like and transactional, others personal and emotional. I have also seen politically-driven leaders, domineering leaders, charismatic leaders and so on. Among these, some are open while others believe in the compartmentalization of information.

But I have never once met a servant leader.

According to Wikipedia, these leaders "achieve results for their organizations by giving priority attention to the needs of their colleagues and those they serve. Servant-leaders are often seen as humble stewards of their organization's resources."

I found out about this concept by chance, after sneaking looks at my brother's computer as he watched Joel Manby of Hershend Family Entertainment on Undercover Boss.

Whether or not this is or should be the ideal type of leadership, is ultimately dependent on the culture and objectives of the company. Of course the judgment is subjective. But quite honestly, I was blown away by what I viewed. I couldn't believe there existed work environments that were so driven by the welfare of its people. (Ok maybe it's all staged, like in other reality TV shows.)

Maybe it's the American culture that fosters such leaders, and I'm saying this because Joel's style is really not that much different from Tony Hsieh of Zappos (whose Delivering Happiness book I read). Maybe Asian work environments are simply more focused on immediate bottomlines. Or perhaps these corporate differences are manifestations of welfare states versus non-welfare states.

Regardless of the contributing factors, the point is that great leaders are incredibly rare and hard to find, whatever their leadership styles are. Yet, the successful management of a company is so heavily dependent on its leaders. Sure, most companies function, some quite effectively in fact. But I've yet to see a company where people are satisfied, proud and truly happy to be there.

Weekend Pursuits

2011-05-02T01:00:00.001+08:00

Inspired by the best-selling nail colour from Chanel. Mine is from Sephora, which is pretty poor for amateur application. So be warned.

I love the summery colour though!

Wanton Mee Town

2011-04-27T01:41:00.002+08:00

Having heard so much about his hometown, his dad's factory and the little kids at home, I finally got a chance to see it for myself over the Easter long weekend.

The town centre reminded of Singapore in the 60s. There were no shopping malls. Even brand name hyper-marts were nowhere to be found. Single-storied zinc roof houses were still common, while Ramly burgers continued to be sold over little makeshift counters beside the road.

Without the Internet, cable TV and other city luxuries, the pace felt leisurely. We stayed in to watch DVDs with the kids as it rained the entire afternoon. The peace was only occasionally broken by his little 2-year-old nephew.

Surprisingly, I felt quite comfortable.

What struck me, was just how different life was in this little wanton mee town, as compared to our big, shiny city filled with tourists, people and distractions. Amazing how that kampong boy and I became classmates, lab partners, JC sweethearts, exes, and finally a proper couple.

The Universe is Bigger Than My Troubles

2011-04-18T00:42:00.000+08:00

Nicked this off a friend's post.

Cliched as it seems, seeing such beauty in our world makes me realize there are bigger, greater things out there than my day-to-day troubles.

Make sure you view this in full screen.

Old Friends

2011-04-17T22:23:00.000+08:00

I met a close old friend last night for dinner. The last time we saw each other was back in September, and we have hardly been in touch since then. She was abashed to know that she missed being there for me while my mom was undergoing her cancer treatment, when I had my disastrous 30th birthday (she forgot about it), when the Boy and I were scrambling to get his dad checked out for cancer.

Yup it's been a pretty tumultuous 6 months.

I'm not sure if I blamed her for being so absent. I guess on some level, I did, but not now anymore. As part of my 2011 solutions, my philosophy is that it's just too tiring to harbor unhappiness for an extended period of time, so I try to let go.

I spoke to the Boy about my friends before, and he thinks I shouldn't expect so much from them, because we have come to a stage where our other halves and/or families form the center of our lives.

I do also wonder if I have the responsibility to keep my friends updated, even if they have not taken the initiative to keep in contact. It takes two hands to clap, right? The problem is, I've got a pretty stubborn hand, which means it's not really in my nature to share and impose on others, even if I do think of them often.

I'm kind of like a snail in its shell, or a clam. Hard to draw out. :)

Time

2011-04-12T02:21:00.000+08:00

Ever since hitting the Big Three, I have been thinking a lot about time and my life in retrospect. I find myself summing up the past few years' worth of days and hours, only to realise that the majority of that time has been buried in work.

When I first graduated from university, I promised myself not to get caught up in the rat race and become yet another Marxist mode of production. But this is exactly where I am now, being nice to everyone at work, more togged in corporate garb than before, trundling to office at morning peak hours and collapsing in bed after a long day of trying to be politically correct.

For the record, I have a sarcastic and impatient streak by nature (i.e. I'm not nice), I absolutely abhor work wear, and I am not a morning person. How did I get to where I am now??

I'll be honest. Money was a big motivating factor. I wanted a place of my own, of which only a cushy income could help me get there. I wanted to live overseas, which again would not be possible if not for a nicely-padded savings account.

However, each day seems to be getting less enjoyable than the last. I am acutely aware that I am losing flavour in life. Especially with the sudden passing of the Boy's father, I am even more conscious of the time I am wasting.

I once read in an article that an overall state of content is more sustainable than sudden spikes of intense happiness. I don't want the high. I just want to at least be glad of where I am.

I do wonder what or who I am now living for.

Devouring Books

2011-04-07T01:12:00.002+08:00

I've been immersing myself in a variety of books recently. Others watch telly as a form of escapism; books are like that for me.

Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
Delivering Happiness by Tony Hsieh

All three left deep impressions on me, partly because of the highly unusual settings of each narrative. More importantly, the stories weren't about self-pity despite the challenging circumstances. The authors spoke of the same fierce fighting spirit, perseverance and courage to be true to oneself.

I picked up a couple of quotes from Delivering Happiness, which I hope will serve as daily reminders whenever things don't go my way.

When you walk with purpose, you collide with destiny. - Bertice Berry

Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. - Buddha

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit. - H.S. Truman

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. - George Bernard Shaw

Amateur Patissiers

2011-04-04T00:56:00.001+08:00

Something we were up to over the weekend, for lack of an interesting activity to keep us occupied.

In case it is not immediately obvious from our rough handiwork, the male figure in blue shorts is him holding a heart-shaped balloon. The blue bloopy things are clouds, while the greenish squiggles at the bottom are meant to be grass!

抛物线

2011-04-01T17:54:00.001+08:00

A song that never fails to put me in a pensive mood.

Birthday Cake

2011-03-17T01:17:00.002+08:00

My wish is to be happy every day.

Thank you mom for the cake. Nothing beats knowing I have the love and support of my people.

Loved

2011-03-16T23:54:00.005+08:00

Things have been incredibly tough the past week. Today was one of the bad days. I left work feeling drained and ready to throw in the towel.

Mom said she bought me a piece of cake last week for my birthday. She even included a candle, because I said I wanted a birthday cake this year.

But with all that had happened, I did not have the mood nor appetite for celebration. It's been 7 days and the guilt for neglecting the cake has really set in. When I finally reached for the cake box in the fridge, this is what I saw attached to it:

I bawled when I saw the message on the ang bao.

Self Time

2011-02-21T00:51:00.001+08:00

I did not realise just how long it has been since I have had time to myself just to relax and chill out. Not until this evening.

I had been rushing out to meet him, and was kicking myself for missing the shuttle bus. Running out of speedier transport alternatives, I waited resignedly for an express bus instead. Since it was heading down to town, the bus was deserted. I plugged in to my MP3 player and started blasting a medley of songs:

Cozy in the Rocket by Psapp
Move You (Slow & Steady) by Anya Marina
Angel by Gavin Friday
Beautiful Ones by Suede
Beautiful by Goldfrapp

That felt GOOD.

First Time...

2011-02-21T00:38:00.000+08:00

I struck lottery!!

It is customary for many people to participate in the annual Hong Bao draw, with a total pot of $10 million for grabs, so I bought for myself and him this year as well.

Having little faith in the odds of these games, I was not expecting to win, and did not bother to check the results until the day after. I thought my quick pick combination matched only 3 1/2 numbers, which would have translated to a mere couple of dollars.

But when I went to redeem my prize, the cashier told me I had won much more than that, which made me involuntarily go "Wah!" I had actually got 4 1/2 numbers right!!

Hehehe!

New Year, New Hopes

2011-01-05T13:40:00.000+08:00

When I was young, I used to make resolutions because everyone did. By the time my birthday came around in March, I would have already forgotten what my aims were for the year, let alone keep to them. After a few years, I just couldn't be bothered to come up with resolutions anymore. They felt like a waste of time and brain power.

Yes, silly naive me.

It was only after my op in 2008 that I began to take resolutions seriously. Perhaps mortality and the nearing 30s have made me realize how important it was to live life with purpose and fulfillment. So here they are for 2011:

Eat more fruits
Drink more water
Sleep earlier
Be more physically active
Be more efficient
Learn to let go more
Learn to cook!

Looks like I'll have a full year ahead!

A Truism on Love?

2011-01-04T01:24:00.000+08:00

I was watching a KBS drama earlier called Marry Me, Mary. The protective father in the show tried to dissuade his daughter from loving a seemingly irresponsible rocker who didn't believe in marriage. He told his child: "You can't live together for the next 50 years on love alone."

Not that the statement was untrue, but I realized a second part to the advice was missing: "You can't live together for the next 50 years without love either."

Christmas Song List

2010-12-23T01:11:00.000+08:00

Have I ever mentioned that Christmas is my favorite time of the year? The air is cooler, people are more relaxed, the twinkling lights are everywhere...

This year, the festive spirit has hit a high with a British team mate on board. We've had mince pies, Santa hats, and we're planning to go ice-skating tomorrow! This afternoon, we've also had colleagues doing their caroling rounds. And on the topic of Christmas songs, the ones guaranteed to put me in the mood are:

1. Jingle Bell Rock by Bobby Helms
2. Rocking Around The Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee
3. Let It Snow by Michael Buble
4. The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole
5. It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year by Andy Williams
6. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by Frank Sinatra

Happy holidays everyone!

Shopping Spree

2010-11-09T01:10:00.000+08:00

When I get really stressed at work, I have an insane urge to shop, buy stuff and spend money. Just because it makes me feel like pampering myself after all the sweat and pain. So this evening, armed with the Boy's 50% birthday voucher, I made a killing at G2000:

1. Whimsical mocha polka-dotted dress with skinny leather belt
2. Luxurious white long-sleeved work shirt with gold buttons
3. Formal black below-the-knee pencil skirt with zippered back
4. Wintery grey long pullover with inner white shirt
5. Lovely black cardi with double rows of gold buttons

I honestly could have bought more, if not for the lack of time.

But I guess I restrained myself. After all, this is the prequel to Spain.

Don't Think, Just Jump

2010-11-03T01:30:00.002+08:00

I know horoscopes are lame most of the time. But given my pondering nature, I thought this advice was quite apt.

"Don't think about it. That's right: Don't plan, don't vacillate, don't consider what could go wrong, don't do anything that could slow you down. Just close your eyes and jump. You've got the perfect idea and you need to put it into action -- now! It's kind of amazing how great ideas have a way of falling into place even when they seem to come out of nowhere, and the same thing will happen here. The details will work themselves out if you can just make that first move."

Grateful

2010-10-28T14:01:00.000+08:00

As part of our monthly catch-up session, my boss and I had a candid conversation about work and other concerns this morning. Some serious issues were brought up, but overall we have a great relationship, so the talk went well.

Afterward, she sent me an email.

Subject: Think this should be our mantra...

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Amazing Grace

2010-10-18T17:52:00.000+08:00

I heard the title of this song several times when I was younger. For a long time, I was mystified by its apparent popularity, since I didn't find the tune particularly memorable or grand.

Yesterday was the first time I have properly heard it in the right context and with an understanding of its lyrics. I was touched.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

寻找我的蓝天

2010-10-10T12:00:00.002+08:00

我把爱铺成蓝天让不安的妳一抬头就看得见
我把心烧成火焰让怕黑的妳拥着温暖入眠

其实我没那么独立坚强。深夜入眠之前的一首歌，让我好向往拥有那种在无论如何情况下的依靠和照顾。心里得到的安全感，会是多么的欣慰。

A Prayer

2010-10-08T19:12:00.002+08:00

For strength, perseverance, faith, humor and grace amidst this all.

I think God has answered my prayer in some respects, as I have witnessed the bright sparks despite a general haze of greyness and blurry exhaustion. Work has not been terribly kind, but colleagues have been great.

The circumstances feel pretty lousy, but the people have been (mostly) giving the best support I could ever ask for. Even the man has pitched in his sensitive, understanding self (surprise surprise).

I find myself still able to laugh and feel little joys through the small things in life. Such as a wearing brand new checked shirt, imagining P dancing and singing with masks, hearing a colleague with the poshest Hugh Grant accent ever...

So thank you everyone.

Too Close For Comfort

2010-09-30T02:35:00.000+08:00

The big issues are undeniably prime fodder for fights. Her dependence on me despite being capable herself. The unequal expectations towards me versus my brother. The assumption of my role and responsibilities to shoulder. My efforts brushed off often with nary a gesture of appreciation. Her unintentional emotional blackmail through personal recounts of being a bewildered, fumbling old woman.

Then there are the small things that build friction. When my wardrobe gets rearranged against my preference, for no apparent need or reason. When all I want to do after a long work day is to tune out, instead of participating in conversations of daily minutiae. When my clothes are folded, in a mess, and placed in the wrong pile.

I guess the operative phrase here would be, "too close for comfort".

Don't get me wrong. I do love her, faults and all. If anything happens to me, I know that she will be my unfailing rock. In that sense, her love may perhaps be the most unconditional and sacrificial I ever experience. In practice, I am honestly quite embarrassed to be pampered with not having to do my own laundry or feed myself.

But I also now realise that I have changed. While the idea of household chores used to daunt the younger me, I find myself wanting to take charge so I can do it my way. Is this a manifestation of my decisive yet subconscious step into adulthood, where taking ownership actually feels good? But am I being too naive to want freedom, when every Asian child is meant to be shackled to the family?

For all practical purposes, it is high time to move out just so my temper does not properly boil over. I hate having to lose my cool, then feel bad for acting like a spoiled, ungrateful child. Likewise, when I brush off her attempts of eliciting sympathy, my remnant feelings are that of annoyance, guilt and anger at being placed into this conflicted position.

Who said parenting was easy? And whoever knew being a child was this difficult?

After Dinner

2010-08-13T13:38:00.003+08:00

Immensely enjoyable evening at C's place, having Indian food, bitching about work, talking about life, and nursing a glass of Korean wine with GOLD FLAKES in it. P, are you reading this? Come back for a catch-up session soon!

I'm not going to be a fool

2010-08-09T17:21:00.005+08:00

Or so I hope.

Two friends within my decidedly small social circle once said, "If something happens to me and I die tomorrow, I'll probably have no regrets."

Wow. That's pretty amazing to me.

What trips me up, is neither of them are extremely easygoing people who are willing to settle. I have known both to uphold fairly high standards for themselves and stuff around them. So what makes them feel that sense of fulfillment? In comparison, do I have overly-high expectations which result in my lack of contentment? Or have I yet to attain the basic wants that makes every modern woman feel complete in this day and age?

I know that had I to die tomorrow, I would surely leave with unfinished business. If I am to pare down to the core basics, I would want get married, have my own house, live overseas, and get a PhD.

The problem is, I'm not sure if I'm progressing in the direction that leads to these goals. They seem to be starkly opposite paths, and I sometimes feel as though I have come to back to the center of indecision. I have perhaps forgotten why I chose this route, or perhaps as I have gotten older, I have ironically realized the fallacy of planning with my head but not my heart.

Even more ironically, I have never thought myself to be a strongly rational decision-maker. Particularly where relationships are concerned.

Just earlier today, I saw some photos of an old friend getting married to another old friend. The boy, his ex, me and this couple all studied in the same school for an extended period of time, so I guess you could say that had I and the boy gone for the wedding dinner, it would have been a treasure trove of gossip, since the ex was there. (I declined the invite very early on, while the boy was on an overseas work trip the day of the dinner.)

I no longer harbor that deep-seated jealousy, discomfort, dislike and guilt towards the ex. I suppose that allowed me to see the pictures with enough equanimity to notice some things. She has aged. There was no sign of that girlishness which early twentysomethings still took with them. She was much neater-looking than I was. But then again, I always look a mess with my crazy hair. But notwithstanding the superficial thoughts, I saw myself in her.

And that scared me.

I saw her years gone past, emotionally invested with someone she probably deeply loved but ended without the fruit of the hard work. Now being with that same man, I believe she must have compromised substantially during that time, loved without purpose, and emerged feeling she was back at the starting point all over again.

Maybe I'm just projecting. You can also say that I've come to the stage where I need a larger purpose for this relationship than simply someone to love. I'm just not sure what that objective or future can be.

The Stress of Holiday Season

2010-08-08T23:41:00.001+08:00

If you watch enough American medical dramas, you'll know that the holiday season tends to result in a higher rate of accidents relating to domestic quarrels and drunk driving, among other festivity-induced illness (such as food poisoning).

I know I know, this may very well be my parasocial reality, but the fact of the matter is that holidays are indeed stressful events. First, imagine 5 people (including the boy) being made to spend an extended amount of time with each other in a confined space. Obviously, all hell breaks loose. Second, the mere expectation of celebration forces typically languid weekends into a timetable of action. NOT something everyone looks forward to.

Tonight was a classic example.

So my brother had his birthday on Friday. He wanted to go for dinner tonight and asked for some suggestions. The most appealing one involved driving up north for crabs and durians. But that meant my chicken-hearted father had to take over the steering wheel. And we had to leave house before late afternoon, since the traffic jams were bound to be bad, given that every other person probably felt compelled to flee the overcrowded city as well.

Guess what the lack of conviction, conclusion and action led to? Triple disaster. We had takeaway dinner from a nearby food court. At 10pm at night no less.

My point is, the pressure of doing something different, going out of our way to enjoy ourselves, can just be plain stressful. If you're old enough to have experienced a bit of life, you'll agree with me, having fun is hard work.

Which is why, honestly, I hate holidays. I just enjoy not having to work.

An Anniversary

2010-07-03T00:58:00.004+08:00

It's been exactly a year since my operation. Despite how fast time has flown by, the ordeal seemed like such a long while ago. Eventful. That's how the year has felt like.

I took 2 months to get back on my feet. Miraculously, I saw past my own disappointment to remain with him. September was spent in Shanghai, Suzhou and Hangzhou. How I made it in those 8 days is a mystery on hindsight. I was foolhardy to have made the trip. I know.

December was spent in Japan skiing and being whipped by the Siberian winds atop Mount Zao. I think I was really trying to enjoy life as much as I could, because my health was so precious and hard to come by. That was while I was battling bronchitis and/or asthma. To this day, I'm not quite certain which one I actually have. I'm told that it'll be there with me for life. I really hope not.

The new year ushered a new job promising more fun and a better pay. Since then, it's been a whirlwind of activities. Sydney in April for training, Jogjakarta in May for holidays, Florida in May for an internal business conference, Yunnan in June for holidays.

Now that I am reflecting back on the year, suddenly I realized I had allowed life to sweep me away. What were the goals I was trying to achieve at the start of this year? Where were my voice and sense of purpose? What did I really want in my life?

I need to regain my center. Leave time for myself. Exercise. Sleep well. Take care of myself first and foremost. Most importantly, health and happiness have to take priority.

On a Splurge

2010-05-28T17:31:00.004+08:00

The past 6 weeks of fairly intensive traveling and work have resulted in my insane urge to be pampered by happily expensive things. Combined with the arrival of summer, shopping in the States and those darned American fashion magazines, I am in a colourful mood and raring to buy buy buy! Some items on my splurge list:

1. Annual subscription of InStyle
2. Blood red cardigan
3. Pearl ear studs (Mikimoto or equivalent)
4. Canary yellow knit top
5. More crisp white shirts
6. Black leather ballet flats
7. iPhone 3GS
8. Black Havaianas
9. Navy style striped boat-neck top
10. Travel backpack (for laptop, fleece sweater & other essentials)

Cheers everyone, the summer holidays are here!

Me

2010-04-30T15:23:00.001+08:00

How true...

"Trust is one of the most important aspects of your life -- not only trusting other people, but trusting yourself. Do you listen to your own instincts, or override them with logic? Do you pay attention to your feelings, or do you dismiss them as not being important? Now is the time to examine your attitudes toward yourself. There's no need to make any sudden changes, though. Just sit there and think about patterns you've noticed in yourself."

Career, Marriage and Happiness

2010-04-01T16:47:00.004+08:00

One of the oft-discussed topics among friends and I is what makes us happy. As we get older, we increasingly realize how elusive happiness can be, even if the world may seem to be our individual oyster. And career-mind people as we are, we tend to think that some improvement in our work life will generate greater fulfillment. However, upon reaching that goal, we don't actually find ourselves significantly happier.

So. We're angsty people, no apologies needed?

Earlier this afternoon, an NYT article discussing the determinants to happiness caught my eye, because the author asserts that:

Marital happiness is far more important than anything else in determining personal well-being. If you have a successful marriage, it doesn’t matter how many professional setbacks you endure, you will be reasonably happy. If you have an unsuccessful marriage, it doesn’t matter how many career triumphs you record, you will remain significantly unfulfilled.

The author goes on to cite a solid field of research displaying the lack of a relationship between happiness and money or professional success.

And to be honest, I was pretty impressed. The idea, that money doesn't drive happiness but healthy relationships do, is a fairly convincing one, because of how intuitive it sounds. Until I saw this comment from a fellow reader:

The flaw that always exists in happiness surveys is that one never knows if good marriages make happy people or if happy people make good marriages.

I'm embarrassed to admit how stumped I am. Despite being a researcher, I forgot the causality flaw! Shit!

Looking Forward To...

2010-03-28T16:41:00.004+08:00

Hoping to spice up my weekends:

1. Kite-flying at Marina Barrage
2. Visiting Labrador Park
3. Shopping in Johor Bahru

Shopping Rampage

2010-03-19T19:26:00.003+08:00

I really wasn't kidding when I mentioned that I'm on a buying spree. The short weekend trip to KL has really opened the floodgates to my previous shopping drought. In all fairness, I have not made any serious material purchases in the past 6 months. Of course, it doesn't help that I now have companion shoppers abetting and justifying my purchases for me!

Despite all the blame-shifting, I have to admit that the buying high is very addictive. I had virtually forgotten how it felt like to find that perfect something at the right price point. The happiness of surrendering my credit card to the cashier!

Ahem. So these are the damages so far:

1. Mango black stretchy pencil skirt (RM99)
2. Mango black stretchy capris (RM99)
3. Mango grey drapey dress (RM99)
4. Mango midnight blue tote (S$46)
5. Springfield beige poplin blouse (RM63)
6. Padini grey flutter-sleeved top (RM39)
7. Vincci grey tweed ballet flats (RM40)
8. California baby calendula cream (S$30)

I'm now agonizing over lovely Furla totes in buttery soft leather... So here we go again.

Randomness on a Rainy Day

2010-03-16T12:30:00.008+08:00

Loving the cool weather, which is going to be great for jogging. Time to pound the road again, and shelve swims until the sun returns.

Suddenly missing Japan. Wish I could be there.

A blood red sweater will go very well with my new pencil skirt. Ok more shopping for me. The floodgates have seriously opened.

I am having karaoke withdrawal symptoms. Must go memorize all those Korean songs for the next belting session. Top on the list is Nobody by Wondergirls!

Read up on calendula. I'm increasingly amazed by the healing properties of nature all around us. I should have overcome my fear of frogs, done biology in school and embarked on a career in pharmaceutical R&D or medicine instead.

Can't wait to explore JB after the Boy raved about it. Good Friday trip to look forward to!

Punched by Goggles

2010-03-07T22:53:00.002+08:00

Yes I am feeling like an idiot. Having skipped exercise for 2 weeks, I decided to go for a swim, now that the weather is too hot for jogging. It was actually a really good session. The water temperature was comfortable, I didn't feel out of breath, and my strokes were paced. But I was oblivious to the new goggles digging into my brow and cheek bones until I removed them after Lap 8.

So now I look like a panda, or punched in both eyes. And I have a major presentation tomorrow morning. Great.

On a happier note, I consolidated all my angbaos. Not a bad haul this year! (given how old I already am. *Blush*)

Desktop

2010-03-02T15:05:00.001+08:00

Some desktop memories before moving on.

What is Forever

2010-02-25T11:17:00.002+08:00

In the midst of the endless dull hours spent on modeling some data, I have been reading the archives of Metrodad. Before digging into those old posts, I was already aware that he and his wife are divorced. But what struck me was how much they were in love with each other five years ago, or even as recent as three years earlier.

And this make me wonder how unrealistic the idea of "forever" is. If so much can change within a mere few years, what makes the billions of wedded couples around the world think that their feelings for each other can remain unchanged until they die? Is it then true to conclude that romantic love is such a fleeting feeling that it cannot be counted on to sustain a marriage?

The conventional understanding is that companionship takes over after love. But yet, I am of the firm belief that every relationship needs to be founded on love. It is only love that can make a person give in and care for another without any real benefit to oneself (not that I think relationships are a zero-sum game to begin with). Am I being unrealistic here? Or perhaps I am not at that stage of my life to seek the quiet calm of companionship yet?

You are what you eat

2010-02-16T23:20:00.005+08:00

Mostly, people tend to associate malnutrition with third world countries, such as Ethiopia and other African nations. But the scary thing is, the condition can occur to those around you, ruling out bulimia or anorexia cases of course.

From friends, I have heard of two separate real-life stories, both of undergraduate students struggling to make ends meet in the UK. Both had held part-time jobs while studying, to earn their living expenses or even tuition fees.

One, a promising Malaysian girl in her twenties, subsisted on a diet of instant noodles and bread, only to realize upon returning home to commence her career that her kidneys are now close to failure. Another, a Malaysian or Singaporean student (the details elude me now), also survived largely on instant noodles and has now passed away.

It is so easy to assume that incidents like these can only happen to people worlds apart from our own. That just because we have been fed almost a lifetime of nutrition, we can neglect our dietary intake for a couple of years.

But the stories touch a raw nerve for me, since I know I am prone to putting work and other pursuits ahead of health. Having been in such a bad physical state last year, the grim reminder to take care of myself has once again hit home.

P.s. Stitches accompanied the 2.6km jog today. I think too much CNY inactivity is the root cause (Oops).

Gluttony in a Pot

2010-02-15T03:12:00.003+08:00

This dish is typically the favorite part of reunion dinner for me. Called basin vegetables (盆菜) in Mandarin, it contains an assortment of scallops, baby abalones, prawns, mussels, sea cucumbers, fish cakes, stewed pig's trotter, shiitake mushrooms and lotus roots, if I did not recall wrongly. The best part is really the sauce, a delicious rich brown base that makes all the ingredients taste sooo good.

希望能有无数的一百天

2010-02-14T14:05:00.002+08:00

我把爱铺成蓝天
让不安的你一抬头就看得见
我把心烧成火焰
让怕黑的你拥着温暖入眠

我晓得时间如雪有时候会覆盖一切
但是真爱一如倔强会重生的绿叶

第几个一百天还是很有感觉
用眼睛去素描你内心的世界
第几个一百天也像刚热恋
两个人手一牵连命运都改变

曾有的敏感脆弱
在我的胸口你就躺下来别说了
将有的固执冲动
我也会拥抱你安抚着体谅你心疼着

第几个一百天越来越有感觉
用眼睛去素描你内心的世界
管过多少一百天也像刚热恋
两个人手一牵连命运都改变
当守护变信念连泪水都很甜

Today

2010-02-14T02:09:00.005+08:00

While others were ushering in the Lunar New Year with reunion dinners, I have been on a TV marathon this evening, thanks to the free Star Movies and HBO trials. Coinciding with Valentine's Day, 27 Dresses was followed by Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, You've Got Mail and Sleepless in Seattle.

The last show feels particularly mellow and warm and fuzzy. So despite inadvertently being held victim to the media's manufactured romanticism, I am also acutely aware of the pitfalls in subscribing to these idealistic imagery. I don't even celebrate Valentine's Day!

But I am digressing. At the end of the day, I can be in the most romantic city, but not feel anything. Love, peace and happiness are all a state of mind.

So have faith. Believe. Indulge in the moment. Enjoy.

Things to do before I die (WIP)

2010-02-09T00:44:00.002+08:00

J and I were talking about this over MSN. We promised to jot the items down in each of our blogs, if not as a to-do list, then perhaps as a reminder to always live life like there's no tomorrow.

Sky dive
Dive in Sipadan
Climb Mt Kinabalu
Live overseas
Obtain a PhD
Get pink hair colour
Own a house
Get married (but this can't be forced)

What else???

2010 Resolutions Update

2010-02-07T22:49:00.004+08:00

I'm proud to say that I have been keeping at the exercise bit. Determination and a nice evening breeze really make a difference to the sessions.

So here's a short log to track my progress so far:

24 Jan - 2.0km
28 Jan - 2.0km
31 Jan - 2.6km
7 Feb - 2.6km

Dinner!!

2010-02-05T15:51:00.002+08:00

What a fantastic cook I am... Hahah

(This was done in 8 minutes, from a packet with additional ingredients of my own.)

Weekend Pleasures

2010-01-31T15:08:00.004+08:00

Flower tea bought from Shanghai, which originally comes dried and rolled up in a tight ball but unfurls when hot water is poured over it.

In terms of taste, it's not much different from normal Chinese tea, but smoother and less tannic. The flowery fragrance also gives a greater depth of aroma.
抹茶ロール by Arinco from Japan. My serving suggestion: freeze the roll, so that the cream has a stiffer consistency like that of fluffy ice-cream. But remember to let the sponge defrost for 5-10 minutes before eating.

A Dash of Nostalgia, a Dollop of Yearning

2010-01-28T11:17:00.005+08:00

I was searching on LinkedIn for some Korean Internet advertising experts as part of my work, and I came across someone who completed his Comms Masters and PhD in MSU.

My immediate reaction is a mixed bag of feelings - regret, yearning, envy, uncertainty, nostalgia. As much as I've made a decision to stay put where I am (for now), my thoughts inevitably drift to that dream I had invested so much in and had so much anticipation for. If anything, I miss the certainty and clear sense of purpose that going to grad school had given me.

"I could have been there at this very moment."

P.s. I have been sticking by my New Year health resolutions with jogs last Sunday and yesterday. With the breezy weather, the task has actually been quite bearable. The sense of accomplishment is also a big deal for an exercise-hater like me.

Update on Resolutions

2010-01-17T19:09:00.005+08:00

I forgot about this in my earlier entry. I have another aim, also concerning personal well-being, but of a different nature.

When I was recovering from the myomectomy last year, I heard a radio talk show with a Chinese physician, who gave advice on fibroids. One question posed by a listener was the cause of such growths.

Now, it is generally accepted that fibroid development is linked to an imbalance of estrogen and progesterone. This can be brought about by a reduced level of progesterone to act as a counterweight for estrogen production, or by elevated levels of estrogen per se, encouraging fibroids to develop.

However, the TCM physician goes further to cite factors that bring about the disharmony of female hormones - stress, large emotional variances and mood swings, as well as diet among them.

Despite many mysteries of the human body still remaining veiled to modern medicine, I believe the powerful effects of our actions and minds on our health. Placebo is an example. Unhappy mothers giving birth to more difficult babies is another. Hence the coming year is one where I'm trying for psychological health:

Learning to let go
Not allowing ill feelings to fester for too long within me
Gaining greater mental strength needed for pursuing a happy state. Or even just being contented will suffice

So I guess 2010 is really a year about health and balance for me, in all senses of both words.

2010 Health Resolutions

2010-01-10T16:02:00.007+08:00

Before leaving for my Japan holidays, I got a check-up at the polyclinic for my persisting cough. It was the third doctor's visit since the cough started over a month ago, and a recurring one since the same thing happened at about the same time last year.

Turns out that I've got an asthmatic cough. I was prescribed the usual inhaler for any cough or wheezing attacks, plus a long-term medication to eventually reduce the hyper-sensitivity of my windpipes that leads to the asthma.
On another note, I was quite utterly defeated by the skiing in Japan. I don't like to exercise very much. It's boring and I hate perspiration. But I enjoy stuff like climbing mountains and skiing while overseas, largely because I don't sweat much, the scenery is spectacular and the experience cannot be replicated.

Having said that, I also realize how taxing and damaging it can be to put my body through punishing activity without a general level of fitness. So my resolutions for 2010 are:

To throw off my asthma so it won't recur
To be physically active. I hope to do Mt Kinabalu in June, but let's see how the asthma comes along
To be focused and efficient, so I can rest better and have a more balanced lifestyle
To eat well and gain mass. I lost weight after the op, and gained some back after Shanghai. The effort of coughing has taken off the kilos again but I didn't put back in Japan due to the strenuous activity.

As a start, I aim to sleep at least 6 hours during work nights, remember to take my meds no matter how busy I am, and keep warm wherever I am.

Determination is what I need right now.

Me Me

2009-12-13T15:41:00.000+08:00

Tee hee hee...

"You're a sweetheart, plain and simple: compassionate, tender and you see the best in everyone. That said, you're also not in the mood for anything less than 100 percent of a loved one's attention. Oh, and if they just so happen to be on the other side of the state, country or planet? That won't matter -- not at the moment. Oh, be demanding. When was the last time anyone could ever say you were?"

Freebies

2009-12-06T02:40:00.007+08:00

I was in town with him to run a couple of errands, and we chanced upon a roadshow for Whisper. They were giving away goodie bags. I had to first complete the sentence on a sticker, "I am happy that my period has come, because...." To which I wrote, "No more PMS!" The sticker was then pasted on a pack of Whisper, and thrown into a basket of similar pledges.

Actually I was simply aiming for the goodie bag. Seriously, which female will welcome her period every month?

I mean, I understand how the marketing folks from Whisper are trying to create positive branding for themselves by changing the unpleasant perceptions of menstruation. But what's the point? Sanitary pads are a necessity, so it's not as if such a general campaign will change one's quantity of usage. And if XYZ brand's product really sucks, no amount of marketing will save it.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say is, the goodie bag was fantastic! Granted that the products were from P&G, it was still a great giveaway. I had two packs of four Whisper Ultra-Slims, a trial size tube of Olay Total Effects, a Gillette Venus shaver with additional cartridges, two trial size bottles of Clairol Herbal Essences Conditioner, a travel pack of Pringles potato chips, a cute notepad and tissue paper.

Nice right?

Geek Cool

2009-12-03T18:42:00.005+08:00

Hilarious conversation with Jud:

I: Should I get a PSP for myself as a Christmas present?
J: Sure
I: I thought you'll scream at me, because you'll think it's too geeky to be playing games.
J: Geek is cool. Geek is Bill Gates. Geek is Tiger Woods, who is apparently getting bashed by his wife. Haha.
I: Ok Bill Gates is totally NOT COOL.
J: Money is ALWAYS cool.
I: There is crass money too, you know.
I: I thought Woods had an affair? Since when did his wife bash him?
J: Ya, because of his affair. She whacked him good. He's like Rihanna... But a guy.

Short Update

2009-12-02T01:08:00.005+08:00

The past couple of weeks have been so hectic that it still feels like November, even though December is already wooshing by. Traditionally among all months, I love December the most, for its cool and rainy days, Christmasy atmosphere, and its promise of a new start next year. But work has wiped away most of my ability to appreciate these things, since I barely have time to go to the toilet, let alone think about enjoying myself.

But last Friday, I decided to give myself a break by sneaking off to Raffles City for lunch. The 2 stolen hours were glorious. Me and him went shopping for Christmas gifts, and bought ourselves little presents as well. Hopefully I can do this again before all the festivity is over.

This week will be spent finalizing holiday plans. I love love love to travel. But in the course of work (again), I have forgotten the excitement and anticipation of exploring a new place. The thought of planning for a trip has only left me feeling drained. Up till now.

Maybe it's the conversation we had just now revolving around his Japan work trip. Or perhaps it's because the year-end holidays seem so near it's almost touchable on this side of the calendar. Suddenly, the sweet anticipation of ditching town, bundling up in warm clothes, bathing in crispy cool air under warm sunshine, all just hit me.

Please. Let the hols come soon.

Life throws us unexpected curves

2009-11-29T17:45:00.007+08:00

You never know the biggest day in your life is going to be the biggest.
The days you think are going to be big ones,
They're never as big as you make them out to be in your head.
It's the regular days, the ones that start out normal,
those are the days that end up being the biggest.

You don't recognize the biggest day of your life,
not until you're right in the middle of it.
The day you commit to something or someone.
The day you get your heart broken...
The day you meet your soulmate...
The day you realize, there's not enough time
because you want to live forever.
Those are the biggest days, the perfect days, you know?

- Izzie Stevens, Grey's Anatomy Season 5 Episode 22

Good Old Days

2009-11-10T21:12:00.005+08:00

I've been working late in office to clear a report, and I foresee another few more weeks of overtime.

In the past, while the extra hours were somewhat painful (what work isn't?), the monotony managed to fly by as well. Colleagues were around to chit-chat during the occasional breaks, motivate when productivity was low, and somehow, the shit got done.

Now? Cheering myself on to reach the conclusion of that report is tough tough tough.

Paper & Stationery

2009-11-01T21:40:00.002+08:00

In the past, we had Popular and that was about as high-class as we could get for paper and stationery. Then came Print and AnBC. The market finally realized just how much people loved their notebooks, papers, pens and stickers. Finally, a rash of new stores specializing in haute paper products and stationery has opened. About time, I say. I love these new additions to the scene:

Australian brand kikki.K at Ion Orchard
Homegrown Paper Market at Raffles City
Korean brand Artbox at Ion Orchard, Bugis Junction, Tampines Mall and elsewhere

Now if only prices were more affordable...

Uncovetable

2009-10-29T01:40:00.003+08:00

I chanced upon this on the papers. But it's an unattainable desire. So just for drooling purposes...

Short Getaway

2009-10-21T00:57:00.005+08:00

It was a quick retreat over the long weekend.

We took a 30-minute ferry ride laden with gambler aunties and uncles, who transferred to another boat headed for the open seas. After dumping our backpacks in the resort, we hopped over to town, where we had Indonesian food, shopped at the supermarket, played arcade games and watched Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs at the XXI cinema.

Meatballs was pretty nice, but the cinema was even better. They had bag deposit services, cozy orange lights and muted background music on a great sound system in the lobby, and even food served to your seat in the newish theater. Best of all? No rowdy crowds.

Massage and a quick seafood dinner later, we headed back to the room for TV watching and face pampering with Korean mask sheets. My unique brand of holiday experience.

Breakfast the next day was followed by a quick dip in the pool, then an open-air Indonesian massage mere steps away from the beach front. It was sublime to be kneaded in the airy hut, all the while listening to the birds chirping, waves breaking and rustling of the surrounding bamboo plants.

This is the life.

Reminder to Self

2009-10-15T00:58:00.002+08:00

As the going gets tough and my endurance is put to test. As I am overwhelmed and instinctively want to hide away from the world.

"The worst thing you can do right now is let yourself get intimidated by expectations! You might be approaching a critical point, so if you start to feel nervous about it, do your best to relax. Keep an open mind and focus on having a positive outlook on how things will turn out. If you over think this situation, you'll lose perspective. Don't sell yourself short -- you know exactly what to do and how to do it. Just listen to your intuition."

Confidence, positivity, and a serious dose of faith in what life will dish out, are what I really need now.

Dedicated to a Friend

2009-10-14T12:37:00.002+08:00

One challenge of being close friends with someone overseas, is that we can't quite do the usual girl-bonding activities, such as shopping, gossiping, ogling at cute guys (mostly in Korean dramas; the streets are devoid of handsomeness).

Over the past two years, however, we've adapted. Shopping? Web links, emailed photos and online sprees. Gossiping? MSN. Ogling at cute guys? Google and Dramawiki.

In all honesty, it is so much easier to lose relevance when the interaction opportunities drop to almost nil. Out of sight? Out of mind. Life's frenetic pace has made moving on and drifting apart such accessible choices. Many friends have dropped out of my radar that way, but not for want of trying on my part.

Because like relationships, every friendship takes mutual effort. Even more so for an overseas pal.

Which is why the time, energy and commitment that has been taken to maintain the friendship also becomes much more significant. And in this context, like how Meredith has Christina, I'm glad to have a "person".

Thanks for being there when I needed someone to give me perspective and bring me back to center, for sharing inane thoughts when I was bored, for emotional support when I just needed a sympathetic ear. For allowing me to be myself, even when I'm mean and bad. For fuelling my fanaticism in earrings, fashion, travelling and Korean dramas.

Ok ok don't tear. I know you're very touched. Haha.

Happy birthday, girlfriend!

My Korean Teacher

2009-10-09T00:27:00.005+08:00

Is so cute, I tell you.

Last week, she made some 송편 (Songpyeon) for us to try, in celebration of 추석 (Chuseok). In return, I gave her a mooncake this lesson.

On our way home, she met me on the bus, and guess what she gave me?

Hello Kitty ball chocs!

Lavender

2009-10-08T13:35:00.003+08:00

I've been wanting to get an apple mint plant for my desk, as I heard that it is good for sinus problems and colds. But short of growing its seeds from scratch, the herb is not found anywhere here. Now I'm hardly the gardening sort, so I couldn't be quite bothered enough to get my fingers dirty AND fail in my attempt to grow something.

Then in Hangzhou, I chanced upon this lavender in a pot. It was barely a dollar for the plaything, and the process seemed fairly idiot-proof. So here goes.
Tadaaa! I didn't realize just how exciting it was to see seeds that were as small as nose-shit develop into tiny seedlings. With some water, fertilized soil and office light, we have 2 tiny lavender plants!

Life is amazing.

Tissue Dreams

2009-10-07T14:21:00.002+08:00

This morning after shooing him out of the house, I went back to bed and attempted to catch another 30 minutes of sleep.

Despite how tired I was, I ended up dreaming of boxes of tissues. Of all things! The tissues were all over the place, and refused to be stacked nicely.

To see or use tissue in your dream, indicates that it is time to let go of the past and move on. You need to confront your current problems in order to progress forward.

As P said, the interpretations are all the same. Maybe innately, dreamers are all stressed-out and unfulfilled individuals.

But still, that was such a crap dream.

Presents and Shopping from China

2009-10-03T18:15:00.003+08:00

Earrings for Jane from 泰康路, Shanghai
Hair stick for Corinne from Suzhou
Drink can telephone for Eugenia's birthday from around 长乐路, Shanghai

Pink manicure set from the night market in Hangzhou
Books from a street vendor around Penta Hotel, Shanghai
Accessories travel pouch from 泰康路, Shanghai

China Memories

2009-09-29T00:50:00.004+08:00

Best meal in Shanghai: Club sandwich, Le Royal Meridien's room service
Best meal in Hangzhou: Pork chop stuffed with ham and cheese, C.Straits Cafe (蓝带吉利猪排)

Best sight in Shanghai: The alleys of 田子坊, 泰康路
Best sight in Hangzhou: The night view of 三潭映月, 西湖

Most disgusting moment in Shanghai: Queuing to buy train tickets to Suzhou, and seeing a man spit right behind us, then proceed to "smoothen" his mess with his rubber slipper

Most disgusting moment in Hangzhou: Getting a guidebook of 西湖天地 from a guard who was energetically digging his nose while we were speaking to him

Best buy in Shanghai: Canned drink telephone
Best buy in Hangzhou: Hot pink nail grooming kit

Carthasis Versus Tolerance

2009-09-13T16:03:00.005+08:00

So the dam finally broke yesterday. I ended up saying everything that was hurtful but nonetheless heartfelt. I don't take back what I said, because I meant them.

Today, I was confronted for making her upset. What about me and how I felt? If I had been calculative, I would have been angry for the past 10 years, but I wasn't. Not until now that things have changed.

After my op, I learnt to be true to myself, whether happy, sad, angry or hurt. I realised that bottling up was unhealthy, and if it really bothered me, I should say or do something to make the issue or trouble go away. Because life can only be so short.

But then I've also come to reflect upon my painstakingly developed sense of tolerance over the past 10 years. Is that now an effort gone to waste?

I feel like I've returned to those primary and secondary school years.

My Newest Toy

2009-09-13T13:34:00.004+08:00

Apparently, this S12 model has a make-up mode that allows complexions to look smoother and more radiant.

Now you see pimples, now you don't!

音乐盒 Part II

2009-09-12T00:33:00.001+08:00

词曲:徐佳莹

"又回到这个尽头我也想再往前走
只是愈看见海阔天空
愈遗憾没有你分享我的感动

我不是一定要你回来
只是当又一个人看海
回头才发现你不在
留下我迂回的徘徊

我不是一定要你回来
只是当又把回忆翻开
除了你之外的空白
还有谁能来教我爱

我不是一定要你回来
只是当又一个人看海
疲惫的身影不是我
不是你想看见的我

我不是一定要你回来
只是当独自走入人海
除了你之外的依赖
还有谁能叫我勇敢

除了你之外的空白
还有谁能来教我爱"

目前的音乐盒

2009-09-12T00:23:00.002+08:00

填词：方文山作曲：周杰伦

“时间过了走了
爱情面临选择
你冷了倦了我哭了
一开始的不快乐
你用卡片试写着
有些爱只给到这真的痛了
怎么了你累了说好的幸福呢
我懂了不说了爱淡了梦淹了
开心与不开心一一叙说着你在不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻我都还记得
你不等了说好的幸福呢
我错了泪干了放手了后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着
要怎么停呢”

20s versus 30s

2009-09-03T14:47:00.005+08:00

This conversation occurred between myself and a friend. With 2009 being such a year of change for all of us, the general sentiment and mood has altered dramatically over the transitional past 12-18 months or so.

And looking back, those Twenties were characterized by such a sense of rush, that roller-coaster ride with ups and down and unexpected maneuvers. Yet direction didn't always feel clear-cut and more often than not, it felt like a long search for many unsolved answers to life's questions. Emotions and fervor ran high, although cynicism also set in quickly.

The Thirties, however, feels like a chilled afternoon in a beach chair, with a book and pina colada / magherita / whisky (whatever your drink of poison may be). There is less of a search and need to attain all those ideals held close and dear in our once naive hearts. Understanding sets in, as is the belief that life is meant to be enjoyed, and not suffered in angst.

In those Thirties, life becomes realigned with peace, retrospection, and a greater sense of inner calm. Being comfortable enough to be yourself, rather than living up to the expectations of others.

No wonder people say women in their thirties are attractive. Because they are confident, spend to make themselves feel good, and know exactly what they want.

The sense of self-assuredness sure is liberating.

Wind

2009-08-30T10:29:00.000+08:00

The heavy downpour in the morning has stopped, but the sky remains cloudy. The cool and refreshing gusts of wind are reminiscent of December.

My heart feels empty with Bro's absence, but yet somewhat ready to embrace the silence at home. I'm still getting used to how quiet it now is though - the lack of snoring, bodies shifting and clothes rustling in sleep...

As the outside breeze filters into the house, awakening and lifting my spirit, I can only think to myself:

"Ah how good it feels to be alive."

Flying the Coop

2009-08-29T11:45:00.004+08:00

So my brother has finally flew the coop, taking off to the EST timezone before me.

Despite all our arguments (and they were quite physical and fiery when we were younger), I miss my room mate. But I am also quite confident that with all the VOIP and communicative technology of the Internet, I'll get to continue badgering him and sending him virtual jabs in his lovely tummy.

My parents are a different matter altogether. Yesterday after he'd left, my mom cried as if she had lost her boyfriend. My dad could palpably feel the emptiness too. My poor folks. And as the only child left behind in the family, I'm not quite sure how I can make up for the space and silence left by another sibling.

As the baby of the family, it was tradition for my bro to garner the attention in the household. Suddenly, mom no longer has anyone to love, fuss over, talk to and accompany to her little dos. And I feel inadequate because I doubt I am able to give that kind of time, love and attention to ease the loss and ache in her heart.

It's just different, and not enough.

Car Crash! Almost Real...

2009-08-28T13:01:00.002+08:00

I'm a crappy driver when I'm very tired or distracted. Last Wednesday was a combination of both for me. Coupled with the stress of being in possession of his over-precious car, the drive home was really unnerving.

Then guess what I dreamt about this morning? Crashing the car! And the mean machine actually split into two! It was a verified nightmare.

To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. If you are driving the car, then you are taking an active role in the way your life is going.

To dream that you are in a car crash, indicates that your beliefs, lifestyle, or goals are clashing with another's. It may also represent a shocking situation or painful experience. Alternatively, car crashes may forewarn of your dangerous or careless driving habits.

Friends and Bras

2009-08-22T13:59:00.003+08:00

A great friend is like a good bra...

hard to find, supportive, comfortable, always lifts you up, never lets you down or leaves you hanging and is always close to your heart.

Nostalgia

2009-08-22T13:21:00.010+08:00

This past week, my family has been buzzing with the expectation of watching a new Mandarin movie, which combines the horror genre with slapstick comedy. Mom then mentioned how I used to love this Hong Kong series called 开心鬼 back in the 80s. I had almost forgotten all about it!

I watched it again last night. Ahhh the nostalgia!

Watch here

Pocky Fever

2009-08-21T14:18:00.003+08:00

Courtesy of him from Shanghai. I've never been a big Pocky fan, but the flavours just blew me away.

From L-R: Almond Choc, Blueberry Cheese, Strawberry and Vanilla, Banana Milk, Mango Milk, Green Tea

只羡剑侠不羡仙

2009-08-20T20:22:00.002+08:00

I've been stuck the entire day working on online gaming titles. I came across this beautiful theme song from the Taiwanese MMORPG 剑侠情缘 that immediately made my day...

(男) 轻马蹄乘风归去我心在想妳
(女) 舞水袖琵琶轻拨我在等着你
(男) 饮千杯天上之水醉不过看妳
(女) 吟万首缠绵诗句暖不过靠你

思念的感触都是这样的吗？

Wanderlust Hits

2009-08-20T09:21:00.003+08:00

I'm stuck with a serious case of wanderlust. Since the onslaught hit me last year, I have not been in Singapore for a stretch of more than, 3 months?

Sep 2008 was KL and CH.
Dec 2008 was Tokyo.
Feb 2009 was Phuket.
Apr 2009 was Mersing in Johor.
May 2009 was Seoul and Jeju-do.

And now, I'm in a dry spell because of the surgery. I'm at a stage where I'm well enough to want to go out, but not fit enough to endure a grueling holiday schedule. And it doesn't help that J has been on that fantabulous 3-week journey to the land of pyramids and Transformers, while He, has just hopped on the bloody plane to Budapest. What about me, damnit?! So excuse me now while I daydream and make plans for the remaining months of the year...

Sep to KL Sunway Lagoon (if the powers that be, aka Mom and Doc, don't physically tie me to the bed)
Nov to Langkawi or Bangkok
Dec to Hong Kong
Xmas to Yunnan or that diving course

Words of Wisdom about Work

2009-08-18T19:38:00.003+08:00

I amaze myself with my insight sometimes. Haha.

In times of retrenchment, it's crucial to enjoy what you do. If not, make sure you're paid well for it. Otherwise, make sure you don't work too hard. Only then will losing your job seem less painful.

Close to Heart...

2009-08-13T18:46:00.000+08:00

Life and How to Survive It
by Adrian Tan (author of The Teenage Textbook)
12 August 2008, 11:18am

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It's a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable. Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you've already won her heart, you don't need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You're done learning. You've probably been told the big lie that "Learning is a lifelong process" and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters' degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don't you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they're wrong.

The bad news is that you don't need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You're in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I'm here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There's very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you'll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they're 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn't meet their life expectancy. I'm here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy. After all, it's calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average. Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don't need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life's a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate. Don't expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows. What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free. The most important is this: do not work. Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable. Work kills. The Japanese have a term "Karoshi", which means death from overwork. That's the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there's nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust. There's a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are "making a living". No, they're not. They're dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful. People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan "Arbeit macht frei" was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense. Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway. Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself. I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn't do that, I would've been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction - probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don't imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I'll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher. Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don't, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I'm not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence. In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror. I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth.

I now say this to you: be hated. It's not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross. One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it's often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one's own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn't say "be loved". That requires too much compromise. If one changes one's looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone. Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We've taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work - the only kind of work that I find palatable. Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the true worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul. Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn't happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm. You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart. You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you. Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don't, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don't work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone. You're going to have a busy life. Thank goodness there's no life expectancy.

Some Stats & Facts

2009-08-08T01:27:00.005+08:00

I had 3 IV catheters inserted into my arms. Most patients really only need 1.

In this entire hospitalization episode, I had 6 blood tests done.

My op took less than 2 hours. I was second in Doc's line of 6 patients to be operated on that day.

I lost 30% of my blood in total, which is equal to approximately 1.5 litres.

Loss of blood is called hypovolemia, while low blood pressure is called hypotension, both of which caused me to faint (called syncope).

I fainted twice.

My BP dropped to the fifties when I passed out.

I had 2 bags of blood transfused. 800ml in total.

My fibroid was 13 x 9 x 8 cm.

My incision scar is about 11 cm long.

Flesh around my incision site is now devoid of sensation. The numbness is weird!

I lost 3kg after the ordeal.

Post-surgery, I stopped sneezing for 30 days. My first sneeze a month after op didn't feel too bad on the wound.

I laughed on Day 4 post-op though. Wow that felt like I was busting my gut!

The REAL Ordeal

2009-07-21T23:52:00.004+08:00

As I was telling everyone, the excitement was really not in the surgery, but in the post-op complications. At least for me.

I awoke in my first-class ward (heehee), blurry, immobile and very thirsty. I did not realize that I was a "nil by mouth" patient as I had not anticipated my procedure to be quite serious enough to warrant it. There were also several other things that I was hooked up to while knocked out cold. A urine catheter was inserted into you-know-where. I thought it would hurt, but that's probably under normal circumstances. With the PCA black box, however, not even the incision wound stung, let alone the urine tube. I was also on the drip, as expected.

Anyway, one of the first faces I saw was Derrick, who came by with a pretty bouquet of sunflowers in the evening. Aaron came with apples and oranges. A whole box of tonics were also delivered, courtesy of company. I was quite groggy then. He, meanwhile, came much later in the night and fell asleep at my bedside before leaving at 1am. Mom spent the night on the couch.

I couldn't sleep soundly through the night, being woken up almost every hour by nurses to change my drip, clear my urine bag, take my BP and temperature. Gah. Medication was also intravenously fed. The worst thing that kept me awake, however, was the onset of shivers. I wasn't cold, but the involuntary teeth chattering, muscle spasms clenching my thighs and body shivers that lasted more than a few moments frightened me. I couldn't help it but didn't know why it was happening to me.

The next morning, I was finally given some Milo. I usually hate Milo but my first drink after 30 hours never felt so good. The anaesthetist also came in check on me. He said that the shivers were probably an after-effect of the GA and would go away (ya right on hindsight). Doc also came in to check on me and wanted me to try getting up, so he could remove the urine catheter and discharge me soon. He said that the fibroid had been really bloody, and I lost 15% of my blood in the process. Phew.

So the physiotherapist tried to get me to transfer to the hospital armchair. It was an effort alone to sit up without any back support. After waiting a few moments, I tried to stand. The moment I did, all hell broke loose. Blood rushed from my head and I blacked out. I was hastily lowered onto the armchair. I couldn't hold my head up or control any of my limbs. My vision swam. I was losing consciousness, as the physiotherapist kept calling me to stay with her.

Blink, close, blink close. It was hard enough keeping my eyes open. Then the painful retching made me throw up foam and Milo. The effort felt like a hammer hitting on my wound. I don't remember how I was transferred, but I was back to lying horizontally on the bed.

No more heroic acts for today, including getting off the bed. The urine bag stayed. So did the drip, as I wasn't eating well yet. The PCA, however, was removed. I was also made to wear horribly tight anti-DVT socks that stretched up to my mid-thighs.

The fainting spell, meanwhile, was attributed to the op. There's Part 2 to this story, but later.

Lunch was a few pieces of fish and some mouthfuls of soup, courtesy of Janice & Ade. Corinne kept me company as well. It was pretty scary trying to talk. I kept losing breath. How did an op manage to zap so much of my energy??

More meds came through the IV, as with an anti-clotting injection. The doctor was afraid I would develop the fatal DVT. Aside: I could actually feel the antibiotic burn my bloodstream as it was injected. Ouch.

The evening passed quite uneventfully. Thank God. Slight fever but nothing serious. Back and the heels of my legs were starting to ache with little movement though. Bro helped by massaging my feet. My left hand was swelling slightly due to the IV catheter as well.

It was another night of interrupted rest as a result of a slight fever. He took over Mom's overnight duty. In order to ensure I could wake the sleepyhead, he moved the couch right beside me so I could literally slap him awake. Which I did in the morning when the nurses came to check on me. Hah.

Day 3. I could now order my breakfast, morning break, lunch and dinner from the menu! I think I would have been seriously overfed, if not for my complete loss of appetite. There were five meals served! Doc came by again in the early afternoon to show me my fibroid. Gosh it was HUGE! And bloody. And chopped up, since there was no way he could get it out of the smaller incision.

Doc also wanted me to walk today. The pressure bandage on my wound was removed. My urine bag was removed. So was my IV catheter. Both didn't hurt. So insertion He was hoping to discharge me already, you see.

Big mistake.

Since I had fairly good energy levels, Mom encouraged me to try sitting by the couch first. I managed to transfer myself slowly. Hmm no dizziness, I thought happily to myself. I sat there and rewarded myself with two McNuggets.

Ok time to try getting to the bathroom. Mom hoisted me by my left armpit, Bro on my right. It was very slow progress. Halfway through the approximately 5m route, I started to pant heavily. I felt myself leaning heavily on my supports. I don't remember how, but by the time I was seated on the toilet seat, I was about to faint. Again.

I could feel the symptoms washing over me and gasped for Bro to get the nurse. Blackout again. My body hung limp as my mom supported my chin and repeatedly asked me to open my eyes. I could hear her but my body did not work of my own volition. I was deathly white (according to Mom). One nurse came in, then a houseman, then two more nurses. It was pandemonium.

I can't remember exactly what they did in those few moments. Might have been a BP check or something. The mayhem, coupled with my near loss of consciousnessness, made the initial details blurry. That is, until I heard the houseman wanting to poke me again. No actually it was the pain that brought me back, albeit only slightly. For that moment, I thought he had injected something into me. In reality, the pain came from the immense tightness of the surgical glove he had wrapped upon my left upper arm, in an attempt to insert an IV catheter. He failed to get my vein. (I only knew the details on hindsight, with Mom helping to fill the gaps.)

A staff nurse then suggested she would try on my right. It was then I realized they were trying to inject something into me. The reality of the feared IV insertion still had not sunk in. In my fear of needles, I think I protested weakly, "No I'm okay." My eyes remained closed. Obviously no one heard me.

You know, there is a reason that an LA jab is needed to insert the IV catheter, okay? Because it darn hurts. That was when I finally managed to blink open my eyes. The sitting position must have helped me to regain some consciousness as well. My first blink captured some disturbance. Hmm what's happening? My eyes shut again. My next blink saw the nurse spreading a waterproof sheet on her lap as she knelt beside me. Back to blackness. Then owwww! The IV catheter was in. Wow that hurt. (Again Mom filled in the details - apparently nurse's hands were all stained with my blood as the IV catheter went in. I only recalled dried bits on blood on the transparent plaster afterwards.)

At that point, I think I must have heard the houseman saying I needed to be quickly flooded with the drip, and another IV had to be inserted. Oh that was the keyword needed to jolt me awake. "I'm okay," I protested rather lamely again.

Oh god regaining some consciousness made the pain at the back of my right hand hurt even more...

It was still pretty chaotic, as it was Sunday and the ward was obviously short-handed. I remember the houseman's mobile ringing several times, and a nurse being berated for attempting to summon him, given that he was trapped in my crisis. Doc then said he needed me back on the bed, since there was little space to maneuver in the bathroom. They pushed the movable commode seat in to transport me. Everything became much clearer after I lay down. I was hooked up to oxygen that helped me breathe, in addition to some machine regulating the two IV drips. The nurses pasted little bits of stickers all over my chest to do an ECG. It was pretty scary being all wired up.

Some rest ensued. Again I don't remember much, but I presume a blood test must have been conducted to obtain my haemoglobin (HB) levels. The houseman came in to give his recommendation, and I jibed him for the painful jabs. He stared at me blankly. Poor guy must have been pretty spooked out by me. But then he panicked when that was the last thing he should have done! Oh well he's a trainee, what to do?

In the end, I was told that I needed blood transfusion, something that my attending surgeon had so far avoided. There are possibly repercussions from taking someone else's blood, mostly in the range of allergies and such. Both mom and I glanced suspiciously at Mr Barry Houseman, and asked if it was absolutely necessary. He said so without much conviction, even though we were told that the opinion concurred with the senior doctor. At that point, it sure felt like I was putting my health in the hands of a guy younger than myself... Yeah he looked closer to Bro's age than mine. Goodness...

I signed the indemnity form accepting the possibility of negative reactions to the two packs of blood I was to receive, but it was almost midnight before the lifeline arrived from the Blood Bank.

Meanwhile, he came back to hospital, after going home for a shower and nap. "You missed all the excitement!" Mom exclaimed. He looked blankly at my wasted face roped with the oxygen tubing, and said: "How come she's like that? I was only gone for a few hours."

Sigh.

Oh by the way, oxygen smells different from regular air. How should I describe it? It's not unpleasant at all, but there is a faint tinge of chemical about it? I definitely prefer fresh mountain air in any case.

The bedpan was also a rather novel experience! I only had to lift my backside for them to slide it under me. Although urine would flow to the back, it never once dripped onto the bed, despite my lying position. Amazing...

I was groggy with sleep when the blood pack finally came. Nurses checked in regularly on my transfusion progress, but it was moving too slowly and the blood was due to expire five hours from the start of the process. The pack was therefore inflated to exert pressure on the inward flow.

It HURT. My arm ached like someone was massaging my muscles that have raised dumbbells a thousand million times. I whimpered.

Unfortunately, I got no sympathy, except a "Just bear with it". I cried and cried, and called for Mom to come back quickly. Poor me.

Thankfully, the second pack of blood went in quickly. Three hours. No allergies. I slept like a baby after the emotional outburst.

Monday. Doc came early morning before his ops to check on me. Apparently, I had lost another 15% of my blood, making it a total of 30%. Doc didn't know where it went to, however. Internal bleeding possibly.

The blood worked like a lifeline though. I could sit up without back support, and transfer to the commode to do my business. Doc was keeping me another day for observation, just to ensure my blood count was stable.

Lunch was a busy affair. Colleagues and Corinne came.

I later attempted to walk to the toilet with Mom's help. Yay success! No fainting. Thank goodness. I also got to wash my hair for the first time since my admission. It was really oily and stinky by then. Yuck. Mom made a mess out of the washing though. Water and hair everywhere!

I slept the best on Monday night. The nurses pretty much left me to my own devices.

Tuesday morning was a flurry of activity before I was discharged. I had my blood test taken again, a visit from Doc, the physiotherapist, the pharmacist, and finally, finally, all the IV catheters removed.

It was strange seeing the outside of my room for the first time. I had been in the ward for four days, but I had never seen how it was really like in the hallways.

The heat, bustle and sunlight outside also hit me. I felt as if I was returning to civilization after a long time.

Happy Horoscope...

2009-07-15T19:28:00.001+08:00

... Despite a generally black day.

Like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis, you've taken some pretty tough circumstances and used them to grow. Now you're developing into something lovely and fantastic beyond your wildest imaginings. During times like these, it's good to remember how grateful you are -- not only for the easy things in your life, but for the tough circumstances as well. They've shaped you into someone amazing. Take a moment to honor yourself.

Buddhist Truths

2009-07-15T17:52:00.002+08:00

I saw this in a TV program that interviewed Korean Buddhist monk, Master Beopryun.

Life is tiring because you are trying to be special.

The meaning of life is not that important. You already exist.

You just need to accept life as it is. If you try to control life, you will get lost.

Once you realize it is your own fault, all you have to do is to change yourself. But if you think it is the world's fault, you have to change the world. Changing yourself is much easier than changing the world. It's hard to accept that it is your fault, but that's actually hope. If you want to make yourself happy, you can do so without anyone's help. There's hope in that.

Some Realizations

2009-07-13T20:06:00.003+08:00

Interestingly enough, drawing of blood on the forearm doesn't hurt as much as trying to take out the pressure band aid after that.

Similarly, the surgical glove used to tie my arm before inserting the IV catheter hurts as much as the injection itself.

Open surgery really only hurts immediately after. And it seriously hurts. But only a while, like perhaps two minutes. When the painkillers hit the blood stream, things become more tolerable.

Having a urinary catheter stops all natural urge of peeing. The urine flows freely into the drainage bag without any volition. And it doesn't really hurt. Or maybe I just didn't feel it, being so drugged up.

Lying in bed is tiring. When movement is limited by tubes and a recent incision scar, backache is the order of the day.

Similarly, having to lie on the back also means very sore heels, given that the weight of the legs pivots there.

IV catheters don't hurt after they've been inserted. The tubes are made of flexible material, so hands and arms are allowed to bend and move around.

Blood transfusion can hurt. When veins are small, the inflow can be very slow, resulting in possible expiry of the blood. Pressure is then increased to "force" the blood in. The arm ache feels like someone massaging muscles that have raised dumbbells a thousand million times.

Fainting is scary, unlike dramatizations in the movies. All control of the body is lost. As much as I struggled to even open my eyes, I couldn't do it, as much as I could hear people calling me to keep me conscious.

Hospitalization hardly qualifies as rest. Nurses interrupt sleep throughout the night to take temperatures and BPs. The purpose of being hospitalized, is really to be monitored.

The effect of a GA is almost instantaneous. No psychedelic shapes or wandering thoughts. It's awake one second, knocked out next moment. The anesthetist hardly had time to say goodnight, sweet dreams before all consciousness is lost.

The Ordeal

2009-07-12T19:26:00.005+08:00

Let me clarify. I've never stayed in a hospital before, not even to nurse someone. I even hate injections. The idea of an IV tube makes me cringe. But days after the diagnosis, I came to acceptance and braced myself for the open myomectomy.

Because it is a momentous experience, I hope to detail the entire course of events. And to also clear some misconceptions about ops in the meantime.

The ordeal really began the night before. I was told to take laxatives to clear my bowels. I didn't just empty my stools. The diarrhea that lasted the whole night completely cleared my entire digestive system. I didn't even have to worry about the midnight fasting rule, since I was in the toilet most of the time.

Blurry and tired from the night's exhaustions, I woke up at an unearthly 6.30am to shower, in anticipation of the inability to do so in the next few days. Dad drove Mom and I to the hospital. It was a cool, serene morning.

It was all quiet at the admissions area. I was instructed to head to the 24-hour clinic, where I was directly prepped for surgery at 10am. I changed into operating robes and disposable underwear. My hair was kept in a net similar to a shower cap. My slippers were given plastic covers. I waited in hunger.

While I had come to terms with the op, Mom had worry written all over her face, as the reality of the situation finally sank in. I texted everyone about my ward number, in an attempt to distract myself from the fear. Words of encouragement poured in.

10am came and went. Doc's earlier op had been delayed. I was ushered into my ward to wait. Goodness, the place looked like a hotel! Replete with flat screen TV, tasteful furnishings and even daily newspaper, I was deeply impressed. Being a single bedder definitely has its perks.

An hour later, a nurse came to fetch me down to the operating theater. The time had come to be slaughtered.

Mom came with me to the second floor via the private elevators for medical staff. As I passed the doors into the restricted area, leaving my mom to wait outside, the fear and sense of being lost really hit home.

The nurse led me to a couch to wait. There were magazines for browsing, and music playing softly in the background. An environment obviously designed to calm nerves. My fear and confusion completely distracted me from discerning what the songs were about. But at the back of my head, they vaguely sounded like Christian hymns of hope, faith and comfort. I started to tear.

The nurses were very kind. One of them wrapped me in a thick blanket, and passed me a box of tissues. I changed into ops slippers. A short while later, I was led to a long corridor that was flanked by doors to each operating theater.

The antechamber held a trolley bed and some cabinets. I was instructed to climb up to it. The nurses confirmed my name and ID several times, and asked me if I knew what op I was undergoing. I was shaking. Again, they were incredibly kind and kept reassuring me. A medical intern came out of the theater and spent several minutes chatting with me. That helped to keep my fear at bay and imagination from running wild.

The anesthetist came in to hook me up with an IV catheter. I honestly couldn't decide if the incision would be scarier or the catheter, which I knew was huge compared to my tiny wrist and veins. "I'll be injecting a local anesthesia on your hand before inserting the IV, and it'll feel like a tiny bee sting. Have you been stung before?" asked the anesthetist. I breathed a sigh of relief. True to his words, I only felt the tiny bite of the LA but not the insertion of the IV.

I was also told that the GA would be administered via the IV, while a tube was inserted into my throat, after I've been knocked out, to help me breathe better during the surgery (intubation). No worries of a blocked nose or phelgm in the throat then. After the op, I would be brought to a recovery room to monitor my vitals. I would also be given medication to reverse the GA process. As I awaken, I would be extubated. The anesthetist also asked if I wanted to keep the PCA after I was back in my ward. PCA refers to Patient Controlled Anesthesia, a black box with a button that allows me to decide if I need medication injected intraveously to reduce the pain. I didn't know what my pain threshold was, given that I haven't undergone any surgery before. I honestly told him that, and he recommended that I keep the option available meanwhile (very good idea on hindsight).

Soon I was pushed into the theater. I barely had time to register my new surroundings before I was gently instructed to shift onto the operating table. People were bustling around me. My finger was clipped to a heartbeat monitor. I was fed oxygen through a mask. My anesthetist said he was injecting the drugs, and wished me goodnight and sweet dreams. He barely repeated it afterwhich I instanteously lost consciousnessness.

I awoke to this incredible pain that made tearing inevitable. I was drowsy and hardly registering the nurses bustling around me, yet my tears kept flowing. I moaned. They quickly hooked up the PCA and shoved the black button into my hand, urging me to press it. I did, multiple times in fact. Still, it took a minute or two for the drugs to kick in. Meanwhile, I grabbed a nurse's hand in a vice-like grip, attempting to convey the pain. Groggily, I overheard someone saying, "She's feeling very painful."

I lost consciousness again...

I felt myself being rolled out of the restricted area. I heard my mom exclaim, "Oh she's out. She's out."

I knocked out again.

I don't remember much of my first few hours in the ward. It was a cycle of awakening to pain, depressing the PCA, and falling back to sleep again.

Well Wishes from Friends

2009-07-10T12:44:00.001+08:00

Pam's flowers brightening up my days in recovery

In a Happy Place

2009-06-24T19:07:00.004+08:00

The op's been booked. We made up. I finished my 10,000-word report.

All in all, things are looking up. I'm thinking of going shopping because I'm happy.

Grace

2009-06-21T15:37:00.003+08:00

It's taken a long time for me to come up with this post. Partly because of all the emotions that have been struggling to surface, but yet avoided and denied by me. Partly because I didn't quite know how to articulate and set the whole chain of events all in perspective. And also partly also because my heart needed timeout from the overwhelming torrent of fear, hurt, disappointment, uncertainty and acceptance I had to come to terms with.

Oh I knew consciously the reality of what was happening, but I refused to admit it to anyone. Because giving it voice would make it even more... affirmative. And I was frightened beyond what I could ever put into words.

On Monday, I was told that I had a fibroid the size of a mango. I sat in the doctor's waiting room alone and shivering, underwent the scan in tears, heard the diagnosis in shock. I was supposed to have been accompanied.

And I was furious with my absent companion. I concocted all sorts of scenarios that I could imagine being deserted. They all seemed completely plausible incidents I believed and literally knew I would find myself in. I thought to myself: See? You'll lie dying on the road if you ever ask for help and support from that someone again. I crossed my point of tolerance. I was shattered, unable to forgive, unable to forget.

Four days after, I was still in the same state of hurt. I honestly didn't know how to let go. Every time I tried, these scenarios would come back to haunt me. It seemed like a point of no return. Even now, it still does.

But then I came across this post just moments earlier that reduced me to tears. I was just randomly browsing. And here's what Karen said:

I’ve come to realise that the words “fate” and “destiny” are meaningless to me.

Whereas I discover one of life’s sweetest words - grace.

It heals all that is broken inside me, and makes me want to change my life. To live the best I can. With purpose. With significance. With gratitude. With happiness.

I still can't forget. But maybe it's time to let go and stop torturing myself.

Can't Forgive, Can't Forget

2009-06-17T17:15:00.002+08:00

你总爱编织谎言
我负责配合表演
所有改变只为了进入你的世界
这情节重复了一百遍
才发现是你的心太野

你画定楚河漢界
我不能轻易犯規
所有時间都是先給了你优先权
不自觉爱到不敢冒險
成了你的傀儡一年兩年
才看见我有多狼狽

爱到妥协到头来还是无解
绑着你不让你飞
历史不断重演我好累
爱到妥协也无法将故事再重写
你已下最后通牒
我躲在我的世界

你只是害怕一个人睡
我不想再为你掉泪
我了解不会变不再徘徊
开始自己的明天

爱到妥协到头来还是无解
绑着你不让你飞
历史不断重演我好累
爱到妥协也无法将故事再重写
你已下最后通牒
我躲在我的世界

First Time

2009-06-06T02:04:00.003+08:00

In an exchange of SMSes last night.

Me: I'm so sad. I didn't know they are stopping tuition classes. Tonight is the last one, because there are not enough teachers. Last chance to say bye to the kids :( Means I'll start volunteering at Salvation Army or something le.

Him: What will you do there?

Me: Various things. Help sort the donated items. Man the thrift store. The library also has a scheme where you help deliver books to people who are immobile.

Him: Love you, dear. And your beautiful heart. :)

Over nine months. Multiple heartbreaks. Countless nights together. Laughter and tears. Kuala Lumpur, Cameron Highlands, Japan, Phuket, Mersing, Korea.

This is the first time he uttered those words to me - Love you.

Trust That Lacks Faith

2009-06-05T11:43:00.003+08:00

Exacerbated by an already tiring week, a catalyst made one of our longstanding issues flare up. I was upset, in the way that only I could cause myself to be, emotion building upon itself into a crescendo.

"If you trust me..." He said.

I thought long and hard about that word -- trust -- symbolizing one of the key tenets of a healthy relationship. Was the problem about lacking it?

But it didn't feel right, and yet it didn't feel completely wrong either. In the end, it dawned on me. The emotion I was searching for was faith. That was what I lacked.

As the thought process unfolded, I realized that those two "security blankets" in a relationship, so to speak, were still related. No doubt. But they also differed to me, in the way that trust is externally-driven while faith seems more internal. That faith is not about him but about myself. That it's not about now but the future that I lack faith in.

Had my courage caused me to be so vulnerable, that I ultimately lost faith even in myself?

This relationship is more than ready for Stage Two, so if you're thinking of taking that giant leap toward intimacy, don't hesitate. You can do it now, and rest assured that it will all work out quite well. If this someone is taken, however, you might want to cool your heels and do not pass Go. There's no reason to share affections with anyone. You're loving, compassionate and more than worth the effort it takes to have you. Say that, and say it firmly -- to them, but also to yourself.

Making Lists & Letting Go

2009-06-02T11:53:00.003+08:00

I enjoy making lists, whatever sort they may be. Task lists, shopping lists, potential appointment lists, report topic lists, I have them all on my desk as we speak. I know I know, it's nearing levels of rabid obsession, but I've simply found them useful in organizing my thoughts and planning my day. (Just like how I love schedulers as well. But that's another story.)

But as the number of things to do gets longer and the list of people to meet grows, I suddenly realize that I have to let go. To all the friends who've been wanting a chunk of my time, I know I promised you face time. Ping me again if you're really keen, because I can no longer keep count. Not to mention every day only has 24 hours.

Life is a little overwhelming right now.

Contradiction

2009-05-31T22:15:00.003+08:00

질투, 오해, 의심, 비밀, 변덕, 외로움 상처, 쾌락, 배신 까지...
Jealousy, misunderstanding, suspicion, secrecy, capriciousness, loneliness, hurt, pleasure, betrayal...
이 모두를 사람들은 '사랑' 이라 부른다.
All these people call 'love'.

And yet...

당신이 있어 행복 하다.

Freudien Revelation

2009-05-27T15:20:00.002+08:00

To dream that you are riding a bicycle, signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. If you have difficulties riding the bicycle, then it suggests that you are experiencing anxieties about making it on your own.

Why is this finding not a surprise at all??

Miracle & Risk

2009-05-27T11:53:00.003+08:00

I read this comment somewhere:

I still think that getting married is such a miracle and risk. It's amazing how two people can make a logical, calculated, emotional, irrational decision that they want to spend their two different lives together, for the rest of their lives...

So true.

Korea Snapshot

2009-05-25T00:56:00.016+08:00

09.05.09 Traveling Day
SIN-HKG-ICH ... Airport curbside bus number 6002 ... Sinseol-dong ... Joatel ... Katsu dinner (5,500 won) ... Exploring the neighborhood ... Shopping at Paris Baguette for breakfast ... Getting our T-Money cards at the subway ... Packing for Jeju

10.05.09 To Jeju
GMP-CJU ... Subway ... Smooth check-in and boarding ... Pretty Easterjet stewardesses and 99% Korean clientele ... Bustling Jeju airport ... Hard time with Orum Car Rental ... Finally fully insured for additional 40,000 won ... Weird lefthand drive ... Yongduam Rock ... Hard time looking for lunch ... Jeju Love Land ... Mysterious Road ... Halla Arboretum ... Blue Pearl Resort ... Dinner at E-Mart

11.05.09 Jeju
Hallasan ... Sore muscles ... Cheonjeyeon Waterfall ... Multitude of stairs contributing to breaking legs ... Jeongbang Waterfall ... Daepo Jusangjoelli ... Teddy Bear Museum ... Boring ... Abalone Porridge & Seafood soup
12.05.09 Jeju to Seoul
Seongsan Ilchulbong at 7am ... Deserted trek ... Enjoyable climbing despite aching legs ... All In House ... Seopjikoji Coast ... Lighthouse at the peak ... Back to Seoul ... Shower at Joatel ... Cheonyecheon ... Insadong stroll ... Ssamziegil ... Missed Hangang Cruise ... Dongdaemum shopping!
13.05.09 South of Hangang
COEX Mall ... Korea Office ... Shopping at Uniqlo & Artbox ... Duchamp experience at Cheongdam ... Rodeo Street ... Yucky potato cake & block-like cheesecake ... Finally Hangang again ... Dragon Hill Spa ... Jajangmyeon ... Nap at oxygen room ... 3am troop back to Joatel
14.05.09 DMZ & Ehwa
Late to Lotte Hotel ... Missed the bus ... Breakfast at Dunkin Donuts ... Mt Odu Observatory ... Delicious Bulgogi ... Camp Bonifas ... Panmunjom ... Souvenir shopping! ... Ehwa Women's University shopping ... Migo strawberry chiffon yummy cake ... Sinchon ... Hongik University ... A Twosome Place plain crepes yummy cake ... Coffee Prince cafe latte
15.05.09 National Museum of Korea
Start of the raining ... Kimbap at National Museum ... Painful legs still ... More rain ... Myeongdong ... Juk Story cheese & shrimp porridge ... Uniqlo ... Etude House ... Namdaemum ... Making spectacles ... Dongdaemum
16.05.09 Gyeongbokgung
Gyeongbokgung ... Mucky paths with the rain ... National Palace Museum of Korea ... Palace food ... Back to Ehwa ... Two pairs of pretty ballet pumps ... Dongdamum ... Continuous shopping for his jeans ... More rain ... 5am snooze as the sun rises again

17.05.09 Namsan Park
Barely 3 hours of sleep ... Early morning hike to Namsan cable car ... Clear skies before the fog blew in ... Rush to Myeongdong ... Frenzied buying ... Shinsaegae supermarket for packed ginseng chicken ... Namdaemun for plastic bags ... Two hours to departure ... Bus to Incheon takes more than an hour ... Running to the check-in counter ... We made it! ... Last minute shopping in the airport transit (heehee)