Nothing quite makes a person appreciate life more than being reminded of one's mortality.
There were several signs which triggered me to write how I felt, after almost a year of hiatus.
The first sign
A couple of days back, I bugged my mom again about her preference for holding the tea ceremony at my solemnization. Since the boy and I were likely to be in Shanghai for the next few years, we weren't sure if we were going to have a wedding bash after the solemnization. No wedding bash = no tea ceremony, which Mom clearly cared about.
Her final decision, however, was quite different from what I was expecting. "Your brother reminded me about his Japanese teacher. Tan Sensei pushed back her plans to have children, so that she and her husband could first achieve other goals in life. But life never goes according to plans. Before she could move on to the next stage of being a mother, cancer struck."
"Even if both of you decide not to have a wedding banquet, it is fine with me. If you want to have kids without first holding the banquet, it is also okay with me. I would rather that you move ahead with life than to delay things because who knows what might happen next?"
The second sign
I got to know that a friend's friend had passed away recently from lung cancer. She was 32, just a year older than me. While I didn't know her personally, it was scary to realise how she could have been me. Me with the weak health, coughing on and off, asthma, allergic rhinitis and gastric problem.
I don't consider myself young, but I was certainly acting as though I was still invincible.
Giving thanks to 2012
On hindsight, I have many things to be grateful for. 2012 was a busy busy year, but there has also been a sense of accomplishment. I changed jobs, found a house that the boy and I could build a home out of, helped the boy relocate to Shanghai, renovated our place, planned a solemnization, and traveled to Bali with the boy, Seoul for work (x3) and Bangkok with the girls. I also managed to bring mom on a quasi-holiday.
Looking towards 2013
If anything, the coming year is likely to open with a bang, given the solemnization in January. But more importantly, amidst the usual busyness, it should hopefully be also about re-centering on the things that really matter: health, people I love, happiness.
Next up: Definitely a consideration of my goals for 2013.
December 19, 2012
February 8, 2012
美冬 チョコレート
In my last winter holidays, I got this from the Ishiya Factory in Sapporo that manufactures 白い恋人. Having tasted quite a wide variety of chocolates all over the world, I was somewhat of a chocolate snob and I wasn't too impressed with this selection in the beginning.
But when I opened the box and saw the selection, I knew I was in for a treat. There are three kinds of chocolate wafers - black chocolate with blueberry, milk chocolate with caramel and white chocolate with melon. Don't they already sound exquisite? Bearing in mind that Hokkaido is a food paradise rich in high-quality milk products.
I'll post a review once I've tried all three flavours. :)
January 29, 2012
2012 Resolutions
I'm almost a month late, but better late than never. Looking back at last year's resolutions, I have to guiltily admit that I can hardly recall the goals I previously set for myself.
- Eat more fruits - Still too little to feel healthy
- Drink more water - Yes!
- Sleep earlier - Getting better but still some way to go
- Be more physically active - Totally missed target
- Be more efficient - Ditto
- Learn to let go more - Hmm only if I did not have a choice, which is probably not a good thing
- Learn to cook! - Sigh
This year's resolutions will hopefully be more SMART - specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, time-based.
- Climb Mt Kinabalu (which indirectly contributes to the exercise objective since I need to train)
- Get a house
- Get a new job or go back to study
- Go on a holiday with mom
- Sleep before 1am every night
- Brush up my diving skills
- Make it a point to lunch out at least twice a week
- Be less of a bitch (ie. be a nicer person)
August 22, 2011
Forgiveness
So I got into a car accident.
I sent him to the airport earlier for his Bangkok secondment, and was quite distracted throughout. I was thinking about how strange the vibes between us were. But that's another topic in itself. As I drove his car back, I decided to take it for a wash, since I was tasked to do so.
I wasn't paying attention, and I ended up "kissing" someone else's backside and ALSO cracking his bodykit.
The sense of doom was imminent before I even got off the car. I was at a loss on what to do, but I didn't panic, get upset or break down. I guess that's the benefit of being older. My first thought was: "He's going to kill me." It was his beloved car.
I had to call him for an action plan, but he was already boarding the flight. "Call your dad to go over," he said. "Call YH. He'll tell you what to do."
After the dust settled, I waited his flight to land, and for his anger to erupt all over me. After all, he would have had 2 hours and 30 minutes onboard to stew over my carelessness.
He didn't contact me after he got into Bangkok. He called YH instead, and asked how bad the damage was. YH said he sounded quite angry. I thought: "He must be, since the cold treatment has kicked in."
I think this qualifies as the 2nd worst day of 2011, after my horrendous birthday non-celebration.
But when he finally replied to my texts, this was what he said:
"I am not angry w u"
"Just reached hotel"
That's when I finally broke down.
It was gratitude, relief, amazement and guilt all rolled together. Gratitude because he wasn't going to make me feel worse than I already felt. Relief because I was expecting all hell to break loose, but it didn't. Amazement because I didn't for once imagine he would have responded the way he did. And guilt because I thought worse of him than he really was.
Forgiveness is a very powerful and precious gift.
I sent him to the airport earlier for his Bangkok secondment, and was quite distracted throughout. I was thinking about how strange the vibes between us were. But that's another topic in itself. As I drove his car back, I decided to take it for a wash, since I was tasked to do so.
I wasn't paying attention, and I ended up "kissing" someone else's backside and ALSO cracking his bodykit.
The sense of doom was imminent before I even got off the car. I was at a loss on what to do, but I didn't panic, get upset or break down. I guess that's the benefit of being older. My first thought was: "He's going to kill me." It was his beloved car.
I had to call him for an action plan, but he was already boarding the flight. "Call your dad to go over," he said. "Call YH. He'll tell you what to do."
After the dust settled, I waited his flight to land, and for his anger to erupt all over me. After all, he would have had 2 hours and 30 minutes onboard to stew over my carelessness.
He didn't contact me after he got into Bangkok. He called YH instead, and asked how bad the damage was. YH said he sounded quite angry. I thought: "He must be, since the cold treatment has kicked in."
I think this qualifies as the 2nd worst day of 2011, after my horrendous birthday non-celebration.
But when he finally replied to my texts, this was what he said:
"I am not angry w u"
"Just reached hotel"
That's when I finally broke down.
It was gratitude, relief, amazement and guilt all rolled together. Gratitude because he wasn't going to make me feel worse than I already felt. Relief because I was expecting all hell to break loose, but it didn't. Amazement because I didn't for once imagine he would have responded the way he did. And guilt because I thought worse of him than he really was.
Forgiveness is a very powerful and precious gift.
August 10, 2011
Fuzzy Feeling
Silly of me but that's how I felt after this chat:
It reminded of all the good old times we went shopping and fawned over frivolous things such as clothes, accessories and shoes. Of course we are not as carefree as before, but for a while, the nostalgia was a sweet reminder of the simpler pleasures of life.
August 9, 2011
July
July was a bit of an odd month, busy with short travels but also quite alone since the Boy was seconded to Bangkok for a few weeks.
I spent the first week in Bangkok shopping, eating and working together with the Boy. There were two highlights during the trip. One was spent watching Just Go With It in bed and chomping on potato chips, only for the Boy to splay tea all over during a particularly funny scene. I have not laughed so hard for a long long time. Another was when I was heading back to Singapore, and the Boy accompanied me all the way on the airport on the train. It isn't a big gesture, but it meant a lot to me.
Funny how things have changed. A couple of years back, shopping would have been the highlight of my Bangkok trip. But this trip is remembered for the time with him and other Bangkok friends.
The following weekend was spent in Langkawi. Another great holiday filled with nice memories of the private Datai Bay, the Andaman resort screening movies by the beach, watching the sunset on the peaks of Mt Mat Cincang and Gunung Raya, etc. I would love to go back again.
In between, I also managed to catch a few reads:
Nobody Said It Would Be Easy by Marilyn Halvorson
Room by Emma Donoghue
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot
Songs Of The Humpback Whale by Jodi Picoult
Nobody is an old well-loved book I managed to source from Amazon. Room and Henrietta Lacks are recent and also particularly impressive to me. Go read both if you can.
I spent the first week in Bangkok shopping, eating and working together with the Boy. There were two highlights during the trip. One was spent watching Just Go With It in bed and chomping on potato chips, only for the Boy to splay tea all over during a particularly funny scene. I have not laughed so hard for a long long time. Another was when I was heading back to Singapore, and the Boy accompanied me all the way on the airport on the train. It isn't a big gesture, but it meant a lot to me.
Funny how things have changed. A couple of years back, shopping would have been the highlight of my Bangkok trip. But this trip is remembered for the time with him and other Bangkok friends.
The following weekend was spent in Langkawi. Another great holiday filled with nice memories of the private Datai Bay, the Andaman resort screening movies by the beach, watching the sunset on the peaks of Mt Mat Cincang and Gunung Raya, etc. I would love to go back again.
In between, I also managed to catch a few reads:
Nobody Said It Would Be Easy by Marilyn Halvorson
Room by Emma Donoghue
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot
Songs Of The Humpback Whale by Jodi Picoult
Nobody is an old well-loved book I managed to source from Amazon. Room and Henrietta Lacks are recent and also particularly impressive to me. Go read both if you can.
July 29, 2011
Servant Leadership
It's been a long while since the last post and as usual, things have been hectic and eventful. For some reason, it always is like this for me.
But anyway.
Rather than updating about my personal life, I came across the concept of servant leadership, and that is what prompted this post (besides the fact that I'm finally able to take a slight breather tonight).
While I wouldn't say that I have worked in many organizations across different verticals, the turnover in my industry is high enough for me to say that I have seen my fair share of leaders with different management styles.
Some are hierarchical, others quite laissez faire; some very business-like and transactional, others personal and emotional. I have also seen politically-driven leaders, domineering leaders, charismatic leaders and so on. Among these, some are open while others believe in the compartmentalization of information.
But I have never once met a servant leader.
According to Wikipedia, these leaders "achieve results for their organizations by giving priority attention to the needs of their colleagues and those they serve. Servant-leaders are often seen as humble stewards of their organization's resources."
I found out about this concept by chance, after sneaking looks at my brother's computer as he watched Joel Manby of Hershend Family Entertainment on Undercover Boss.
Whether or not this is or should be the ideal type of leadership, is ultimately dependent on the culture and objectives of the company. Of course the judgment is subjective. But quite honestly, I was blown away by what I viewed. I couldn't believe there existed work environments that were so driven by the welfare of its people. (Ok maybe it's all staged, like in other reality TV shows.)
Maybe it's the American culture that fosters such leaders, and I'm saying this because Joel's style is really not that much different from Tony Hsieh of Zappos (whose Delivering Happiness book I read). Maybe Asian work environments are simply more focused on immediate bottomlines. Or perhaps these corporate differences are manifestations of welfare states versus non-welfare states.
Regardless of the contributing factors, the point is that great leaders are incredibly rare and hard to find, whatever their leadership styles are. Yet, the successful management of a company is so heavily dependent on its leaders. Sure, most companies function, some quite effectively in fact. But I've yet to see a company where people are satisfied, proud and truly happy to be there.
But anyway.
Rather than updating about my personal life, I came across the concept of servant leadership, and that is what prompted this post (besides the fact that I'm finally able to take a slight breather tonight).
While I wouldn't say that I have worked in many organizations across different verticals, the turnover in my industry is high enough for me to say that I have seen my fair share of leaders with different management styles.
Some are hierarchical, others quite laissez faire; some very business-like and transactional, others personal and emotional. I have also seen politically-driven leaders, domineering leaders, charismatic leaders and so on. Among these, some are open while others believe in the compartmentalization of information.
But I have never once met a servant leader.
According to Wikipedia, these leaders "achieve results for their organizations by giving priority attention to the needs of their colleagues and those they serve. Servant-leaders are often seen as humble stewards of their organization's resources."
I found out about this concept by chance, after sneaking looks at my brother's computer as he watched Joel Manby of Hershend Family Entertainment on Undercover Boss.
Whether or not this is or should be the ideal type of leadership, is ultimately dependent on the culture and objectives of the company. Of course the judgment is subjective. But quite honestly, I was blown away by what I viewed. I couldn't believe there existed work environments that were so driven by the welfare of its people. (Ok maybe it's all staged, like in other reality TV shows.)
Maybe it's the American culture that fosters such leaders, and I'm saying this because Joel's style is really not that much different from Tony Hsieh of Zappos (whose Delivering Happiness book I read). Maybe Asian work environments are simply more focused on immediate bottomlines. Or perhaps these corporate differences are manifestations of welfare states versus non-welfare states.
Regardless of the contributing factors, the point is that great leaders are incredibly rare and hard to find, whatever their leadership styles are. Yet, the successful management of a company is so heavily dependent on its leaders. Sure, most companies function, some quite effectively in fact. But I've yet to see a company where people are satisfied, proud and truly happy to be there.
May 2, 2011
Weekend Pursuits
Inspired by the best-selling nail colour from Chanel. Mine is from Sephora, which is pretty poor for amateur application. So be warned.
I love the summery colour though!
I love the summery colour though!
April 27, 2011
Wanton Mee Town
The town centre reminded of Singapore in the 60s. There were no shopping malls. Even brand name hyper-marts were nowhere to be found. Single-storied zinc roof houses were still common, while Ramly burgers continued to be sold over little makeshift counters beside the road.
Without the Internet, cable TV and other city luxuries, the pace felt leisurely. We stayed in to watch DVDs with the kids as it rained the entire afternoon. The peace was only occasionally broken by his little 2-year-old nephew.
Surprisingly, I felt quite comfortable.
What struck me, was just how different life was in this little wanton mee town, as compared to our big, shiny city filled with tourists, people and distractions. Amazing how that kampong boy and I became classmates, lab partners, JC sweethearts, exes, and finally a proper couple.
April 18, 2011
The Universe is Bigger Than My Troubles
Nicked this off a friend's post.
Cliched as it seems, seeing such beauty in our world makes me realize there are bigger, greater things out there than my day-to-day troubles.
Make sure you view this in full screen.
Cliched as it seems, seeing such beauty in our world makes me realize there are bigger, greater things out there than my day-to-day troubles.
Make sure you view this in full screen.
April 17, 2011
Old Friends
I met a close old friend last night for dinner. The last time we saw each other was back in September, and we have hardly been in touch since then. She was abashed to know that she missed being there for me while my mom was undergoing her cancer treatment, when I had my disastrous 30th birthday (she forgot about it), when the Boy and I were scrambling to get his dad checked out for cancer.
Yup it's been a pretty tumultuous 6 months.
I'm not sure if I blamed her for being so absent. I guess on some level, I did, but not now anymore. As part of my 2011 solutions, my philosophy is that it's just too tiring to harbor unhappiness for an extended period of time, so I try to let go.
I spoke to the Boy about my friends before, and he thinks I shouldn't expect so much from them, because we have come to a stage where our other halves and/or families form the center of our lives.
I do also wonder if I have the responsibility to keep my friends updated, even if they have not taken the initiative to keep in contact. It takes two hands to clap, right? The problem is, I've got a pretty stubborn hand, which means it's not really in my nature to share and impose on others, even if I do think of them often.
I'm kind of like a snail in its shell, or a clam. Hard to draw out. :)
Yup it's been a pretty tumultuous 6 months.
I'm not sure if I blamed her for being so absent. I guess on some level, I did, but not now anymore. As part of my 2011 solutions, my philosophy is that it's just too tiring to harbor unhappiness for an extended period of time, so I try to let go.
I spoke to the Boy about my friends before, and he thinks I shouldn't expect so much from them, because we have come to a stage where our other halves and/or families form the center of our lives.
I do also wonder if I have the responsibility to keep my friends updated, even if they have not taken the initiative to keep in contact. It takes two hands to clap, right? The problem is, I've got a pretty stubborn hand, which means it's not really in my nature to share and impose on others, even if I do think of them often.
I'm kind of like a snail in its shell, or a clam. Hard to draw out. :)
April 12, 2011
Time
Ever since hitting the Big Three, I have been thinking a lot about time and my life in retrospect. I find myself summing up the past few years' worth of days and hours, only to realise that the majority of that time has been buried in work.
When I first graduated from university, I promised myself not to get caught up in the rat race and become yet another Marxist mode of production. But this is exactly where I am now, being nice to everyone at work, more togged in corporate garb than before, trundling to office at morning peak hours and collapsing in bed after a long day of trying to be politically correct.
For the record, I have a sarcastic and impatient streak by nature (i.e. I'm not nice), I absolutely abhor work wear, and I am not a morning person. How did I get to where I am now??
I'll be honest. Money was a big motivating factor. I wanted a place of my own, of which only a cushy income could help me get there. I wanted to live overseas, which again would not be possible if not for a nicely-padded savings account.
However, each day seems to be getting less enjoyable than the last. I am acutely aware that I am losing flavour in life. Especially with the sudden passing of the Boy's father, I am even more conscious of the time I am wasting.
I once read in an article that an overall state of content is more sustainable than sudden spikes of intense happiness. I don't want the high. I just want to at least be glad of where I am.
I do wonder what or who I am now living for.
When I first graduated from university, I promised myself not to get caught up in the rat race and become yet another Marxist mode of production. But this is exactly where I am now, being nice to everyone at work, more togged in corporate garb than before, trundling to office at morning peak hours and collapsing in bed after a long day of trying to be politically correct.
For the record, I have a sarcastic and impatient streak by nature (i.e. I'm not nice), I absolutely abhor work wear, and I am not a morning person. How did I get to where I am now??
I'll be honest. Money was a big motivating factor. I wanted a place of my own, of which only a cushy income could help me get there. I wanted to live overseas, which again would not be possible if not for a nicely-padded savings account.
However, each day seems to be getting less enjoyable than the last. I am acutely aware that I am losing flavour in life. Especially with the sudden passing of the Boy's father, I am even more conscious of the time I am wasting.
I once read in an article that an overall state of content is more sustainable than sudden spikes of intense happiness. I don't want the high. I just want to at least be glad of where I am.
I do wonder what or who I am now living for.
April 7, 2011
Devouring Books
I've been immersing myself in a variety of books recently. Others watch telly as a form of escapism; books are like that for me.
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
Delivering Happiness by Tony Hsieh
All three left deep impressions on me, partly because of the highly unusual settings of each narrative. More importantly, the stories weren't about self-pity despite the challenging circumstances. The authors spoke of the same fierce fighting spirit, perseverance and courage to be true to oneself.
I picked up a couple of quotes from Delivering Happiness, which I hope will serve as daily reminders whenever things don't go my way.
When you walk with purpose, you collide with destiny. - Bertice Berry
Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. - Buddha
It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit. - H.S. Truman
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. - George Bernard Shaw
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
Delivering Happiness by Tony Hsieh
All three left deep impressions on me, partly because of the highly unusual settings of each narrative. More importantly, the stories weren't about self-pity despite the challenging circumstances. The authors spoke of the same fierce fighting spirit, perseverance and courage to be true to oneself.
I picked up a couple of quotes from Delivering Happiness, which I hope will serve as daily reminders whenever things don't go my way.
When you walk with purpose, you collide with destiny. - Bertice Berry
Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. - Buddha
It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit. - H.S. Truman
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. - George Bernard Shaw
April 4, 2011
Amateur Patissiers
Something we were up to over the weekend, for lack of an interesting activity to keep us occupied.
In case it is not immediately obvious from our rough handiwork, the male figure in blue shorts is him holding a heart-shaped balloon. The blue bloopy things are clouds, while the greenish squiggles at the bottom are meant to be grass!
In case it is not immediately obvious from our rough handiwork, the male figure in blue shorts is him holding a heart-shaped balloon. The blue bloopy things are clouds, while the greenish squiggles at the bottom are meant to be grass!
April 1, 2011
March 17, 2011
Birthday Cake
My wish is to be happy every day.
Thank you mom for the cake. Nothing beats knowing I have the love and support of my people.
Thank you mom for the cake. Nothing beats knowing I have the love and support of my people.
March 16, 2011
Loved
Things have been incredibly tough the past week. Today was one of the bad days. I left work feeling drained and ready to throw in the towel.
Mom said she bought me a piece of cake last week for my birthday. She even included a candle, because I said I wanted a birthday cake this year.
But with all that had happened, I did not have the mood nor appetite for celebration. It's been 7 days and the guilt for neglecting the cake has really set in. When I finally reached for the cake box in the fridge, this is what I saw attached to it:
I bawled when I saw the message on the ang bao.
Mom said she bought me a piece of cake last week for my birthday. She even included a candle, because I said I wanted a birthday cake this year.
But with all that had happened, I did not have the mood nor appetite for celebration. It's been 7 days and the guilt for neglecting the cake has really set in. When I finally reached for the cake box in the fridge, this is what I saw attached to it:
I bawled when I saw the message on the ang bao.
February 21, 2011
Self Time
I did not realise just how long it has been since I have had time to myself just to relax and chill out. Not until this evening.
I had been rushing out to meet him, and was kicking myself for missing the shuttle bus. Running out of speedier transport alternatives, I waited resignedly for an express bus instead. Since it was heading down to town, the bus was deserted. I plugged in to my MP3 player and started blasting a medley of songs:
Cozy in the Rocket by Psapp
Move You (Slow & Steady) by Anya Marina
Angel by Gavin Friday
Beautiful Ones by Suede
Beautiful by Goldfrapp
That felt GOOD.
I had been rushing out to meet him, and was kicking myself for missing the shuttle bus. Running out of speedier transport alternatives, I waited resignedly for an express bus instead. Since it was heading down to town, the bus was deserted. I plugged in to my MP3 player and started blasting a medley of songs:
Cozy in the Rocket by Psapp
Move You (Slow & Steady) by Anya Marina
Angel by Gavin Friday
Beautiful Ones by Suede
Beautiful by Goldfrapp
That felt GOOD.
First Time...
I struck lottery!!
It is customary for many people to participate in the annual Hong Bao draw, with a total pot of $10 million for grabs, so I bought for myself and him this year as well.
Having little faith in the odds of these games, I was not expecting to win, and did not bother to check the results until the day after. I thought my quick pick combination matched only 3 1/2 numbers, which would have translated to a mere couple of dollars.
But when I went to redeem my prize, the cashier told me I had won much more than that, which made me involuntarily go "Wah!" I had actually got 4 1/2 numbers right!!
Hehehe!
January 5, 2011
New Year, New Hopes
When I was young, I used to make resolutions because everyone did. By the time my birthday came around in March, I would have already forgotten what my aims were for the year, let alone keep to them. After a few years, I just couldn't be bothered to come up with resolutions anymore. They felt like a waste of time and brain power.
Yes, silly naive me.
It was only after my op in 2008 that I began to take resolutions seriously. Perhaps mortality and the nearing 30s have made me realize how important it was to live life with purpose and fulfillment. So here they are for 2011:
Yes, silly naive me.
It was only after my op in 2008 that I began to take resolutions seriously. Perhaps mortality and the nearing 30s have made me realize how important it was to live life with purpose and fulfillment. So here they are for 2011:
- Eat more fruits
- Drink more water
- Sleep earlier
- Be more physically active
- Be more efficient
- Learn to let go more
- Learn to cook!
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