History Moving Fast Forward

It's the first time I've ever been so intimately involved in helping out at a wedding. School mate, project mate, colleague, then one of my bestest friends. The fate that has brought us together is so intertwined that I can no longer track the paths of cause and effect resulting in our deep friendship.

Ultra sensitive, I hadn't been in the best of emotions to handle such a tumultuous day. One moment I was busy, stressed and angry for plans turned awry, another moment I was overcome by his silence and my loss. I was glad for the people I knew who had moved on to better places in their lives. I was envious of those who enjoyed the simple domestic bliss of husband and adorable kids to go home to. In stark contrast were others with marriage and health problems, whom I was worried for. Despite my mood, I was also ultimately happy to see the familiar faces I had cared about (and still do).

The history moving fast forward is a reality overload.

Notwithstanding the physical exhaustion, I was overwhelmed by the thoughts, tasks, people and emotional ride I had experienced. My brain, feelings, focus and grip on reality shut down several times.

Drained and aching from heartbreak, the concern poured in. My phone beeped incessantly with kind words of encouragement. Yet I couldn't draw myself out of the spiraling downward funk I had dropped into. Then Newly-Wedded Friend jerked me back with a great diversionary SMS.

I only realized then that I'm immeasurably rich. I have people who care so much about my welfare that they keep me in their thoughts. Even if he doesn't. Should I send out an SOS, there are at least seven human pillars of support to save me from drowning.

I just want to thank you.

• Jud for hugging me tightly and telling me I deserve so much more.
• C for telling everyone to watch out for me, and to remember me despite her big night.
• E1 for the words of encouragement, despite not having a single clue why I'm in a wreck.
• E2 for the brute reality, although I know he really cares.
• P for responding promptly, all the time, to my desperate SMSs for help. I'll crash without you.
• J for being around to keep me company, so I don't drive myself crazy with my own thoughts.

I feel loved and blessed because of all of you.

꿈운 이루어진다?

Dreams are undisputed reflections of one's waking life, worries and perhaps, inner desires.

Having held firmly this belief, I am often drawn to the strange plots that my sleeping mind conjures. They often seem to hold insights to the unfulfilled desires my consciousness is so good at suppressing or denying existence.

I dreamt that I was working alongside LL in a classy cream-coloured shophouse office within a trendy district of exotic Middle Eastern and Asian eateries. Our fallout years ago never seemed to have taken place. As dusk fell, I rushed out of the double doors with a colleague, whom I had dragged along as a companion to meet E for dinner.

We skipped from the eaves of shophouse to shophouse, trying to avoid the rain. When we arrived at the lusciously-decorated restaurant, E and his girlfriend were grouchily avoiding each other. It wasn't clear if a prior argument had taken place, but both were visibly relieved to see colleague and I slip into the boothed table.

Later, outside the restaurant, E gave me a present of a brocade clutch. I was visibly shaken by his gesture and I questioned him. I remember running away from him in my dream, trying to reach the safe sanctuary of my office once again. He caught up, and confessed that he's always had feelings for me. As the evening rain continued to fall, as he kissed me, I wept for the lost opportunities.

I'm disturbed, to say the very least. With J, I've firmly believed that my heart was full. Was the dream really an indication of my unrealized longing for E, or was it simply a grieving process to purge him out of my system? Or perhaps it was a manifestation of the very aspects I found wanting in J?

"If love was enough, I'll be there for you."