New Year, New Hopes

When I was young, I used to make resolutions because everyone did. By the time my birthday came around in March, I would have already forgotten what my aims were for the year, let alone keep to them. After a few years, I just couldn't be bothered to come up with resolutions anymore. They felt like a waste of time and brain power.

Yes, silly naive me.

It was only after my op in 2008 that I began to take resolutions seriously. Perhaps mortality and the nearing 30s have made me realize how important it was to live life with purpose and fulfillment. So here they are for 2011:

1. Eat more fruits
2. Drink more water
3. Sleep earlier
4. Be more physically active
5. Be more efficient
6. Learn to let go more
7. Learn to cook!

Looks like I'll have a full year ahead!

Don't Think, Just Jump

I know horoscopes are lame most of the time. But given my pondering nature, I thought this advice was quite apt.

"Don't think about it. That's right: Don't plan, don't vacillate, don't consider what could go wrong, don't do anything that could slow you down. Just close your eyes and jump. You've got the perfect idea and you need to put it into action -- now! It's kind of amazing how great ideas have a way of falling into place even when they seem to come out of nowhere, and the same thing will happen here. The details will work themselves out if you can just make that first move."

Me

How true...

"Trust is one of the most important aspects of your life -- not only trusting other people, but trusting yourself. Do you listen to your own instincts, or override them with logic? Do you pay attention to your feelings, or do you dismiss them as not being important? Now is the time to examine your attitudes toward yourself. There's no need to make any sudden changes, though. Just sit there and think about patterns you've noticed in yourself."

Things to do before I die (WIP)

J and I were talking about this over MSN. We promised to jot the items down in each of our blogs, if not as a to-do list, then perhaps as a reminder to always live life like there's no tomorrow.

1. Sky dive
2. Dive in Sipadan
   
3. Climb Mt Kinabalu
4. Live overseas
5. Obtain a PhD
6. Get pink hair colour
   
7. Own a house
8. Get married (but this can't be forced)
   

What else???

2010 Resolutions Update

I'm proud to say that I have been keeping at the exercise bit. Determination and a nice evening breeze really make a difference to the sessions.

So here's a short log to track my progress so far:

24 Jan - 2.0km
28 Jan - 2.0km
31 Jan - 2.6km
7 Feb - 2.6km

Update on Resolutions

I forgot about this in my earlier entry. I have another aim, also concerning personal well-being, but of a different nature.

When I was recovering from the myomectomy last year, I heard a radio talk show with a Chinese physician, who gave advice on fibroids. One question posed by a listener was the cause of such growths.

Now, it is generally accepted that fibroid development is linked to an imbalance of estrogen and progesterone. This can be brought about by a reduced level of progesterone to act as a counterweight for estrogen production, or by elevated levels of estrogen per se, encouraging fibroids to develop.

However, the TCM physician goes further to cite factors that bring about the disharmony of female hormones - stress, large emotional variances and mood swings, as well as diet among them.

Despite many mysteries of the human body still remaining veiled to modern medicine, I believe the powerful effects of our actions and minds on our health. Placebo is an example. Unhappy mothers giving birth to more difficult babies is another. Hence the coming year is one where I'm trying for psychological health:

• Learning to let go
• Not allowing ill feelings to fester for too long within me
• Gaining greater mental strength needed for pursuing a happy state. Or even just being contented will suffice

So I guess 2010 is really a year about health and balance for me, in all senses of both words.

2010 Health Resolutions

Before leaving for my Japan holidays, I got a check-up at the polyclinic for my persisting cough. It was the third doctor's visit since the cough started over a month ago, and a recurring one since the same thing happened at about the same time last year.

Turns out that I've got an asthmatic cough. I was prescribed the usual inhaler for any cough or wheezing attacks, plus a long-term medication to eventually reduce the hyper-sensitivity of my windpipes that leads to the asthma.
On another note, I was quite utterly defeated by the skiing in Japan. I don't like to exercise very much. It's boring and I hate perspiration. But I enjoy stuff like climbing mountains and skiing while overseas, largely because I don't sweat much, the scenery is spectacular and the experience cannot be replicated.

Having said that, I also realize how taxing and damaging it can be to put my body through punishing activity without a general level of fitness. So my resolutions for 2010 are:

• To throw off my asthma so it won't recur
• To be physically active. I hope to do Mt Kinabalu in June, but let's see how the asthma comes along
• To be focused and efficient, so I can rest better and have a more balanced lifestyle
• To eat well and gain mass. I lost weight after the op, and gained some back after Shanghai. The effort of coughing has taken off the kilos again but I didn't put back in Japan due to the strenuous activity.
  

As a start, I aim to sleep at least 6 hours during work nights, remember to take my meds no matter how busy I am, and keep warm wherever I am.

Determination is what I need right now.

Me Me

Tee hee hee...

"You're a sweetheart, plain and simple: compassionate, tender and you see the best in everyone. That said, you're also not in the mood for anything less than 100 percent of a loved one's attention. Oh, and if they just so happen to be on the other side of the state, country or planet? That won't matter -- not at the moment. Oh, be demanding. When was the last time anyone could ever say you were?"

Reminder to Self

As the going gets tough and my endurance is put to test. As I am overwhelmed and instinctively want to hide away from the world.

"The worst thing you can do right now is let yourself get intimidated by expectations! You might be approaching a critical point, so if you start to feel nervous about it, do your best to relax. Keep an open mind and focus on having a positive outlook on how things will turn out. If you over think this situation, you'll lose perspective. Don't sell yourself short -- you know exactly what to do and how to do it. Just listen to your intuition."

Confidence, positivity, and a serious dose of faith in what life will dish out, are what I really need now.

Happy Horoscope...

... Despite a generally black day.

Like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis, you've taken some pretty tough circumstances and used them to grow. Now you're developing into something lovely and fantastic beyond your wildest imaginings. During times like these, it's good to remember how grateful you are -- not only for the easy things in your life, but for the tough circumstances as well. They've shaped you into someone amazing. Take a moment to honor yourself.

Grace

It's taken a long time for me to come up with this post. Partly because of all the emotions that have been struggling to surface, but yet avoided and denied by me. Partly because I didn't quite know how to articulate and set the whole chain of events all in perspective. And also partly also because my heart needed timeout from the overwhelming torrent of fear, hurt, disappointment, uncertainty and acceptance I had to come to terms with.

Oh I knew consciously the reality of what was happening, but I refused to admit it to anyone. Because giving it voice would make it even more... affirmative. And I was frightened beyond what I could ever put into words.

On Monday, I was told that I had a fibroid the size of a mango. I sat in the doctor's waiting room alone and shivering, underwent the scan in tears, heard the diagnosis in shock. I was supposed to have been accompanied.

And I was furious with my absent companion. I concocted all sorts of scenarios that I could imagine being deserted. They all seemed completely plausible incidents I believed and literally knew I would find myself in. I thought to myself: See? You'll lie dying on the road if you ever ask for help and support from that someone again. I crossed my point of tolerance. I was shattered, unable to forgive, unable to forget.

Four days after, I was still in the same state of hurt. I honestly didn't know how to let go. Every time I tried, these scenarios would come back to haunt me. It seemed like a point of no return. Even now, it still does.

But then I came across this post just moments earlier that reduced me to tears. I was just randomly browsing. And here's what Karen said:

I’ve come to realise that the words “fate” and “destiny” are meaningless to me.

Whereas I discover one of life’s sweetest words - grace.

It heals all that is broken inside me, and makes me want to change my life. To live the best I can. With purpose. With significance. With gratitude. With happiness.

I still can't forget. But maybe it's time to let go and stop torturing myself.

Trust That Lacks Faith

Exacerbated by an already tiring week, a catalyst made one of our longstanding issues flare up. I was upset, in the way that only I could cause myself to be, emotion building upon itself into a crescendo.

"If you trust me..." He said.

I thought long and hard about that word -- trust -- symbolizing one of the key tenets of a healthy relationship. Was the problem about lacking it?

But it didn't feel right, and yet it didn't feel completely wrong either. In the end, it dawned on me. The emotion I was searching for was faith. That was what I lacked.

As the thought process unfolded, I realized that those two "security blankets" in a relationship, so to speak, were still related. No doubt. But they also differed to me, in the way that trust is externally-driven while faith seems more internal. That faith is not about him but about myself. That it's not about now but the future that I lack faith in.

Had my courage caused me to be so vulnerable, that I ultimately lost faith even in myself?

This relationship is more than ready for Stage Two, so if you're thinking of taking that giant leap toward intimacy, don't hesitate. You can do it now, and rest assured that it will all work out quite well. If this someone is taken, however, you might want to cool your heels and do not pass Go. There's no reason to share affections with anyone. You're loving, compassionate and more than worth the effort it takes to have you. Say that, and say it firmly -- to them, but also to yourself.

Miracle & Risk

I read this comment somewhere:

I still think that getting married is such a miracle and risk. It's amazing how two people can make a logical, calculated, emotional, irrational decision that they want to spend their two different lives together, for the rest of their lives...

So true.

Reality Check

Another one that seems to articulate the vague concerns I have, floating at the back of my mind. It's a reality check for me.

Pinning all of your hopes on one person is not a wise idea right now, so try not to be unrealistic about your expectations. This person might be as awesome as you think, but they are not capable of delivering what you want -- and they aren't comfortable with you thinking that they are. Give them space and leave them alone today, as any undue pressure you put upon them will only make them tense and distracted. Things are working just fine as they are, so relax.

Pep Talk

A close friend has been going through career issues that have significantly dampened her usually positive and nonchalant outlook. As I gave her my perspective and dose of self-motivation, I realised how much it applied to my own problems as well.

The reality is, it's too easy to be down and depressed, because life is hard to begin with. At the end of the day, however, my life is what I choose to make of it. Do I want to be happy, or sad? Of course, there will always be external factors that influence my mood, but these are beyond my control to begin with. So ultimately, it is my perspective which matters the most.

To some extent, it can be considered a way of self-deluding. But the way I see it, everyone needs some coping mechanisms. There are those who are blessed with the hardwired ability to contemplate less. Well, good for them. But for others, realism can be spiritually destructive and all-consuming. I know it's a precipice of freefall once I let go of my anchor to what's worth living for, and allow myself to step beyond the edge of no return.

So I tell myself that it's okay to be down, but someday, I'll have to learn how to stand up again. Life is too short to be worth being unhappy about, particularly in these best years of my life! I'm still young and able to enjoy life, instead of being bogged down by sadness...

On the days when the going gets hard, when I lose sight of the shore and of life's beauty, I'll return to this and like a mantra, remind myself again and again.

终于明白了我在你心里的位置

知道爱你的唯一方式
只能放弃和你永远的意识

- Self

Foretelling the Future?

How is it that today's horoscope can be so eerily accurate?

You've got more freedom than ever before -- are you making the most of it? Be your own boss in every sense of the word today. Communicate what you need and believe it when you tell yourself that if you don't get it, you need to move on. You need to make sure that you're with someone who understands how to give you what you need.

Perhaps this is a sign.

Going Home

I've just opened a couple of presentations I did at ex-company to obtain the charting templates. Looking at the slides, many of which reflecting the effort, blood and sweat I poured into the work, I felt an immense sense of nostalgia. Despite leaving, is that where I was meant to be anyway?

Coincidentally, at the same time, I chanced upon H's picture in a mutual friend's blog. 내 마음 정말 아파요. 영원히 잠들고 싶어요.

I want to go home. I miss that feeling of belonging to some people, places, and of knowing my position in the world. I miss the comfort and peace of familiarity. I'm so incredibly tired that I only know how to let go, instead of trying to find solutions to the problems and challenges placed in front of me.

But many of life's decisions have lasting impacts that irreversibly change the circumstances and situations beyond looking back. In God's ways, the intricate web of cause and consequence can never be dissected, making me realize that perhaps, our paths and fates were predestined to begin with.

I never thought I was one to ever regret, yet I can only continue to move forward, even without my own volition.

Goldfish eyes

Blogger was down this morning, just when I really needed some cathartic release through writing. For a moment, I thought that even God was against me (it was actually Google).

I've just been talking to Jane online, and she felt that I should let it all out, rather than avoid and suppress my emotions. So this is likely to be a rambling post, since I'm too shell-shocked, devastated, distracted and in pain to organize my thoughts and writing.

So he's as short-lived as last night.

I hadn't seen it coming, although given my mood, I subconsciously knew I had very little leeway left to spare. I'm not sure what made me so resolute at that particular point. Desperation to save myself? Hardheaded game of bluff? I still wonder where my strength came from.

Actually, some to think of it, it was his reaction that enabled me to walk away. He was upset with me for doing this, although he didn't display it outwardly. When we got home, I went upstairs to clear out his belongings. With some of the loose ends tied up, it was time for him to go. We stood there looking at each other. He was wooden and unapproachable in stance. But I loved him. Love him. I had to hug him. He didn't push me away, but it was a cold, polite reciprocal. I was being emotionally dismissed. Left with no choice but to walk.

You know, there are still so many things I want to do with him, for him. Help mend his mobile phone strap, finally go for diving trips together, worry about money as a couple, quarrel, love, get a house to live with him, have his kids, grow old together.

I have so many things I want to say to him. That I'm sorry things had to end this way. That I love him and wish I could support him by his side. That I still want to do so but can now only from a distance.

That ultimately, I want him to be happy too.

P.s. My friends have been absolutely fantastic. I've never felt so alone, yet so supported in my life. Their understanding and concern have made me want to, at the very least, show that I'm coping, not for myself but to allay their worries. That's about as tenacious a reason for me to get through this day-by-day, hour-by-hour.

A Hawker Centre Outing

I came down with a sore throat, rapidly congesting nose and diarrhea, having gotten the flu bug from him over the weekend. Anyway, sniffling and bleary after a busy afternoon at work, I headed to his office for our usual Monday dinner date.

While waiting at the lobby, I texted him: Dear, can you get me some water before you come down? Throat is drying up again :(

And so he brought me Jia Jia herbal tea.

We drove to one of our usual makan spots, leisurely chatting about anything under the moon - colleagues, housing prices, Aristo's weird fusion architecture, travel plans - and teasing each other along the way.

"Actually, with both our incomes, can we afford to buy a decent house now?" He asked.

"Why not?" I replied confidently.

"You can already afford it, right? Not counting the ability to maintain it lar."

"Yah you're just eyeing my money, isn't it?" I laughed.

Later. Our M.O. involves individually ordering what we want to eat, which usually gets served to the table by stall helpers. This time around, he settled me in and brought me porridge, replete with soya sauce and pepper, from a self-serving hawker.

We went back after the quick dinner, seeing how exhausted I was getting. As he made his own way home, we continued to talk on the phone.

"So have you ever thought about your goals, your ideals, and what you want in life?" I asked.

"I'll continue to hold a job, and when I have enough money, I hope to open my own business, and perhaps employ someone to help run it," he said.

"But wasn't it your dream to become a businessman in the first place?"

"Yah but the opportunity costs of giving up a regular income are too high. If I'm earning a five-figure sum, why would I want to quit?" He explained. "I don't need to earn a lot of money, because I believe that 钱是赚不完的。50 million is enough already."

"Wah 50 million not considered a lot?!" I joked.

He continued: "If we get married in the future, maybe I can remain working and leave you to run the business. If it really prospers one day, then I'll consider leaving my day job to focus on growing the company."

I said: "For me, I want to semi-retire by my 50s, and continue to be able to travel overseas for holidays once or twice a year. I have never thought about having a big house or condo; so long as I live comfortably, that's enough."

"Such a lack of ambition compared to you, right?" I teased him.

"Well, 贪心有好也有坏啊"

And so on we went.

If only every day could be as simple, sweet and full of hope as this.

(Inspired by Mr Brown)