Carthasis Versus Tolerance

So the dam finally broke yesterday. I ended up saying everything that was hurtful but nonetheless heartfelt. I don't take back what I said, because I meant them.

Today, I was confronted for making her upset. What about me and how I felt? If I had been calculative, I would have been angry for the past 10 years, but I wasn't. Not until now that things have changed.

After my op, I learnt to be true to myself, whether happy, sad, angry or hurt. I realised that bottling up was unhealthy, and if it really bothered me, I should say or do something to make the issue or trouble go away. Because life can only be so short.

But then I've also come to reflect upon my painstakingly developed sense of tolerance over the past 10 years. Is that now an effort gone to waste?

I feel like I've returned to those primary and secondary school years.

Nostalgia

This past week, my family has been buzzing with the expectation of watching a new Mandarin movie, which combines the horror genre with slapstick comedy. Mom then mentioned how I used to love this Hong Kong series called 开心鬼 back in the 80s. I had almost forgotten all about it!

I watched it again last night. Ahhh the nostalgia!

Watch here

Trust That Lacks Faith

Exacerbated by an already tiring week, a catalyst made one of our longstanding issues flare up. I was upset, in the way that only I could cause myself to be, emotion building upon itself into a crescendo.

"If you trust me..." He said.

I thought long and hard about that word -- trust -- symbolizing one of the key tenets of a healthy relationship. Was the problem about lacking it?

But it didn't feel right, and yet it didn't feel completely wrong either. In the end, it dawned on me. The emotion I was searching for was faith. That was what I lacked.

As the thought process unfolded, I realized that those two "security blankets" in a relationship, so to speak, were still related. No doubt. But they also differed to me, in the way that trust is externally-driven while faith seems more internal. That faith is not about him but about myself. That it's not about now but the future that I lack faith in.

Had my courage caused me to be so vulnerable, that I ultimately lost faith even in myself?

This relationship is more than ready for Stage Two, so if you're thinking of taking that giant leap toward intimacy, don't hesitate. You can do it now, and rest assured that it will all work out quite well. If this someone is taken, however, you might want to cool your heels and do not pass Go. There's no reason to share affections with anyone. You're loving, compassionate and more than worth the effort it takes to have you. Say that, and say it firmly -- to them, but also to yourself.

Going Home

I've just opened a couple of presentations I did at ex-company to obtain the charting templates. Looking at the slides, many of which reflecting the effort, blood and sweat I poured into the work, I felt an immense sense of nostalgia. Despite leaving, is that where I was meant to be anyway?

Coincidentally, at the same time, I chanced upon H's picture in a mutual friend's blog. 내 마음 정말 아파요. 영원히 잠들고 싶어요.

I want to go home. I miss that feeling of belonging to some people, places, and of knowing my position in the world. I miss the comfort and peace of familiarity. I'm so incredibly tired that I only know how to let go, instead of trying to find solutions to the problems and challenges placed in front of me.

But many of life's decisions have lasting impacts that irreversibly change the circumstances and situations beyond looking back. In God's ways, the intricate web of cause and consequence can never be dissected, making me realize that perhaps, our paths and fates were predestined to begin with.

I never thought I was one to ever regret, yet I can only continue to move forward, even without my own volition.