Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
August 10, 2011
Fuzzy Feeling
Silly of me but that's how I felt after this chat:
It reminded of all the good old times we went shopping and fawned over frivolous things such as clothes, accessories and shoes. Of course we are not as carefree as before, but for a while, the nostalgia was a sweet reminder of the simpler pleasures of life.
April 17, 2011
Old Friends
I met a close old friend last night for dinner. The last time we saw each other was back in September, and we have hardly been in touch since then. She was abashed to know that she missed being there for me while my mom was undergoing her cancer treatment, when I had my disastrous 30th birthday (she forgot about it), when the Boy and I were scrambling to get his dad checked out for cancer.
Yup it's been a pretty tumultuous 6 months.
I'm not sure if I blamed her for being so absent. I guess on some level, I did, but not now anymore. As part of my 2011 solutions, my philosophy is that it's just too tiring to harbor unhappiness for an extended period of time, so I try to let go.
I spoke to the Boy about my friends before, and he thinks I shouldn't expect so much from them, because we have come to a stage where our other halves and/or families form the center of our lives.
I do also wonder if I have the responsibility to keep my friends updated, even if they have not taken the initiative to keep in contact. It takes two hands to clap, right? The problem is, I've got a pretty stubborn hand, which means it's not really in my nature to share and impose on others, even if I do think of them often.
I'm kind of like a snail in its shell, or a clam. Hard to draw out. :)
Yup it's been a pretty tumultuous 6 months.
I'm not sure if I blamed her for being so absent. I guess on some level, I did, but not now anymore. As part of my 2011 solutions, my philosophy is that it's just too tiring to harbor unhappiness for an extended period of time, so I try to let go.
I spoke to the Boy about my friends before, and he thinks I shouldn't expect so much from them, because we have come to a stage where our other halves and/or families form the center of our lives.
I do also wonder if I have the responsibility to keep my friends updated, even if they have not taken the initiative to keep in contact. It takes two hands to clap, right? The problem is, I've got a pretty stubborn hand, which means it's not really in my nature to share and impose on others, even if I do think of them often.
I'm kind of like a snail in its shell, or a clam. Hard to draw out. :)
August 13, 2010
After Dinner
Immensely enjoyable evening at C's place, having Indian food, bitching about work, talking about life, and nursing a glass of Korean wine with GOLD FLAKES in it. P, are you reading this? Come back for a catch-up session soon!
August 9, 2010
I'm not going to be a fool
Or so I hope.
Two friends within my decidedly small social circle once said, "If something happens to me and I die tomorrow, I'll probably have no regrets."
Wow. That's pretty amazing to me.
What trips me up, is neither of them are extremely easygoing people who are willing to settle. I have known both to uphold fairly high standards for themselves and stuff around them. So what makes them feel that sense of fulfillment? In comparison, do I have overly-high expectations which result in my lack of contentment? Or have I yet to attain the basic wants that makes every modern woman feel complete in this day and age?
I know that had I to die tomorrow, I would surely leave with unfinished business. If I am to pare down to the core basics, I would want get married, have my own house, live overseas, and get a PhD.
The problem is, I'm not sure if I'm progressing in the direction that leads to these goals. They seem to be starkly opposite paths, and I sometimes feel as though I have come to back to the center of indecision. I have perhaps forgotten why I chose this route, or perhaps as I have gotten older, I have ironically realized the fallacy of planning with my head but not my heart.
Even more ironically, I have never thought myself to be a strongly rational decision-maker. Particularly where relationships are concerned.
Just earlier today, I saw some photos of an old friend getting married to another old friend. The boy, his ex, me and this couple all studied in the same school for an extended period of time, so I guess you could say that had I and the boy gone for the wedding dinner, it would have been a treasure trove of gossip, since the ex was there. (I declined the invite very early on, while the boy was on an overseas work trip the day of the dinner.)
I no longer harbor that deep-seated jealousy, discomfort, dislike and guilt towards the ex. I suppose that allowed me to see the pictures with enough equanimity to notice some things. She has aged. There was no sign of that girlishness which early twentysomethings still took with them. She was much neater-looking than I was. But then again, I always look a mess with my crazy hair. But notwithstanding the superficial thoughts, I saw myself in her.
And that scared me.
I saw her years gone past, emotionally invested with someone she probably deeply loved but ended without the fruit of the hard work. Now being with that same man, I believe she must have compromised substantially during that time, loved without purpose, and emerged feeling she was back at the starting point all over again.
Maybe I'm just projecting. You can also say that I've come to the stage where I need a larger purpose for this relationship than simply someone to love. I'm just not sure what that objective or future can be.
Two friends within my decidedly small social circle once said, "If something happens to me and I die tomorrow, I'll probably have no regrets."
Wow. That's pretty amazing to me.
What trips me up, is neither of them are extremely easygoing people who are willing to settle. I have known both to uphold fairly high standards for themselves and stuff around them. So what makes them feel that sense of fulfillment? In comparison, do I have overly-high expectations which result in my lack of contentment? Or have I yet to attain the basic wants that makes every modern woman feel complete in this day and age?
I know that had I to die tomorrow, I would surely leave with unfinished business. If I am to pare down to the core basics, I would want get married, have my own house, live overseas, and get a PhD.
The problem is, I'm not sure if I'm progressing in the direction that leads to these goals. They seem to be starkly opposite paths, and I sometimes feel as though I have come to back to the center of indecision. I have perhaps forgotten why I chose this route, or perhaps as I have gotten older, I have ironically realized the fallacy of planning with my head but not my heart.
Even more ironically, I have never thought myself to be a strongly rational decision-maker. Particularly where relationships are concerned.
Just earlier today, I saw some photos of an old friend getting married to another old friend. The boy, his ex, me and this couple all studied in the same school for an extended period of time, so I guess you could say that had I and the boy gone for the wedding dinner, it would have been a treasure trove of gossip, since the ex was there. (I declined the invite very early on, while the boy was on an overseas work trip the day of the dinner.)
I no longer harbor that deep-seated jealousy, discomfort, dislike and guilt towards the ex. I suppose that allowed me to see the pictures with enough equanimity to notice some things. She has aged. There was no sign of that girlishness which early twentysomethings still took with them. She was much neater-looking than I was. But then again, I always look a mess with my crazy hair. But notwithstanding the superficial thoughts, I saw myself in her.
And that scared me.
I saw her years gone past, emotionally invested with someone she probably deeply loved but ended without the fruit of the hard work. Now being with that same man, I believe she must have compromised substantially during that time, loved without purpose, and emerged feeling she was back at the starting point all over again.
Maybe I'm just projecting. You can also say that I've come to the stage where I need a larger purpose for this relationship than simply someone to love. I'm just not sure what that objective or future can be.
December 3, 2009
Geek Cool
Hilarious conversation with Jud:
I: Should I get a PSP for myself as a Christmas present?
J: Sure
I: I thought you'll scream at me, because you'll think it's too geeky to be playing games.
J: Geek is cool. Geek is Bill Gates. Geek is Tiger Woods, who is apparently getting bashed by his wife. Haha.
I: Ok Bill Gates is totally NOT COOL.
J: Money is ALWAYS cool.
I: There is crass money too, you know.
I: I thought Woods had an affair? Since when did his wife bash him?
J: Ya, because of his affair. She whacked him good. He's like Rihanna... But a guy.
I: Should I get a PSP for myself as a Christmas present?
J: Sure
I: I thought you'll scream at me, because you'll think it's too geeky to be playing games.
J: Geek is cool. Geek is Bill Gates. Geek is Tiger Woods, who is apparently getting bashed by his wife. Haha.
I: Ok Bill Gates is totally NOT COOL.
J: Money is ALWAYS cool.
I: There is crass money too, you know.
I: I thought Woods had an affair? Since when did his wife bash him?
J: Ya, because of his affair. She whacked him good. He's like Rihanna... But a guy.
November 10, 2009
Good Old Days
I've been working late in office to clear a report, and I foresee another few more weeks of overtime.
In the past, while the extra hours were somewhat painful (what work isn't?), the monotony managed to fly by as well. Colleagues were around to chit-chat during the occasional breaks, motivate when productivity was low, and somehow, the shit got done.
Now? Cheering myself on to reach the conclusion of that report is tough tough tough.
In the past, while the extra hours were somewhat painful (what work isn't?), the monotony managed to fly by as well. Colleagues were around to chit-chat during the occasional breaks, motivate when productivity was low, and somehow, the shit got done.
Now? Cheering myself on to reach the conclusion of that report is tough tough tough.
October 14, 2009
Dedicated to a Friend
One challenge of being close friends with someone overseas, is that we can't quite do the usual girl-bonding activities, such as shopping, gossiping, ogling at cute guys (mostly in Korean dramas; the streets are devoid of handsomeness).
Over the past two years, however, we've adapted. Shopping? Web links, emailed photos and online sprees. Gossiping? MSN. Ogling at cute guys? Google and Dramawiki.
In all honesty, it is so much easier to lose relevance when the interaction opportunities drop to almost nil. Out of sight? Out of mind. Life's frenetic pace has made moving on and drifting apart such accessible choices. Many friends have dropped out of my radar that way, but not for want of trying on my part.
Because like relationships, every friendship takes mutual effort. Even more so for an overseas pal.
Which is why the time, energy and commitment that has been taken to maintain the friendship also becomes much more significant. And in this context, like how Meredith has Christina, I'm glad to have a "person".
Thanks for being there when I needed someone to give me perspective and bring me back to center, for sharing inane thoughts when I was bored, for emotional support when I just needed a sympathetic ear. For allowing me to be myself, even when I'm mean and bad. For fuelling my fanaticism in earrings, fashion, travelling and Korean dramas.
Ok ok don't tear. I know you're very touched. Haha.
Happy birthday, girlfriend!
Over the past two years, however, we've adapted. Shopping? Web links, emailed photos and online sprees. Gossiping? MSN. Ogling at cute guys? Google and Dramawiki.
In all honesty, it is so much easier to lose relevance when the interaction opportunities drop to almost nil. Out of sight? Out of mind. Life's frenetic pace has made moving on and drifting apart such accessible choices. Many friends have dropped out of my radar that way, but not for want of trying on my part.
Because like relationships, every friendship takes mutual effort. Even more so for an overseas pal.
Which is why the time, energy and commitment that has been taken to maintain the friendship also becomes much more significant. And in this context, like how Meredith has Christina, I'm glad to have a "person".
Thanks for being there when I needed someone to give me perspective and bring me back to center, for sharing inane thoughts when I was bored, for emotional support when I just needed a sympathetic ear. For allowing me to be myself, even when I'm mean and bad. For fuelling my fanaticism in earrings, fashion, travelling and Korean dramas.
Ok ok don't tear. I know you're very touched. Haha.
Happy birthday, girlfriend!
October 3, 2009
Presents and Shopping from China
Earrings for Jane from 泰康路, ShanghaiHair stick for Corinne from Suzhou
Drink can telephone for Eugenia's birthday from around 长乐路, Shanghai
Pink manicure set from the night market in Hangzhou
Books from a street vendor around Penta Hotel, Shanghai
Accessories travel pouch from 泰康路, Shanghai
August 22, 2009
Friends and Bras
A great friend is like a good bra...
hard to find, supportive, comfortable, always lifts you up, never lets you down or leaves you hanging and is always close to your heart.
hard to find, supportive, comfortable, always lifts you up, never lets you down or leaves you hanging and is always close to your heart.
June 2, 2009
Making Lists & Letting Go
I enjoy making lists, whatever sort they may be. Task lists, shopping lists, potential appointment lists, report topic lists, I have them all on my desk as we speak. I know I know, it's nearing levels of rabid obsession, but I've simply found them useful in organizing my thoughts and planning my day. (Just like how I love schedulers as well. But that's another story.)
But as the number of things to do gets longer and the list of people to meet grows, I suddenly realize that I have to let go. To all the friends who've been wanting a chunk of my time, I know I promised you face time. Ping me again if you're really keen, because I can no longer keep count. Not to mention every day only has 24 hours.
Life is a little overwhelming right now.
But as the number of things to do gets longer and the list of people to meet grows, I suddenly realize that I have to let go. To all the friends who've been wanting a chunk of my time, I know I promised you face time. Ping me again if you're really keen, because I can no longer keep count. Not to mention every day only has 24 hours.
Life is a little overwhelming right now.
April 16, 2009
April 15, 2009
God's Lessons
For those in the know, the past 3 weeks has felt like a lifetime's worth of experiences all compressed into a single duration of time. Love fought for, lost and regained, close friends getting married or moving country, a short holiday, as well as job cum study plans restarting and trudging slowly ahead.
The relationship aspect was the centerpiece in those few days of sheer anguish. I can't adequately describe how it felt... Perhaps physically as though someone had dug out my heart and left a gaping hole in its place. And mentally as if I was drained of hope, clarity and future. Amidst the heart-wrenching emotional distress, I've wondered why I was made to go through such experiences. Had I done something wrong to deserve it? Was my personality the reason why things had developed so disastrously? Others enjoyed plain-sailing relationships, why not me?
Yet, the biggest lessons I've learnt were also borne out of these circumstances and experiences.
That in order to be loved, I had to love myself first. Hence, I deserved to be shown care and concern like I have similarly invested. Love is a reciprocal affair.
That I didn't have to be a martyr. Ultimately, my happiness mattered too.
That I was too impatient in making progress, to the extent that I tunnel visioned the future. Everything comes in its own time.
That nothing in life is determinate. Why already lay down my conclusions now?
That these incidents happened for a reason. Someone up there had prepared these obstacles for me to grow wiser, and to prepare me for a future with a worthwhile partner for life.
That there really are people who are willing to be my mattresses 24/7, cushioning me when I fall.
It does not mean that I view the uncertainty ahead without trepidation, but at least, I have acceptance.
The relationship aspect was the centerpiece in those few days of sheer anguish. I can't adequately describe how it felt... Perhaps physically as though someone had dug out my heart and left a gaping hole in its place. And mentally as if I was drained of hope, clarity and future. Amidst the heart-wrenching emotional distress, I've wondered why I was made to go through such experiences. Had I done something wrong to deserve it? Was my personality the reason why things had developed so disastrously? Others enjoyed plain-sailing relationships, why not me?
Yet, the biggest lessons I've learnt were also borne out of these circumstances and experiences.
That in order to be loved, I had to love myself first. Hence, I deserved to be shown care and concern like I have similarly invested. Love is a reciprocal affair.
That I didn't have to be a martyr. Ultimately, my happiness mattered too.
That I was too impatient in making progress, to the extent that I tunnel visioned the future. Everything comes in its own time.
That nothing in life is determinate. Why already lay down my conclusions now?
That these incidents happened for a reason. Someone up there had prepared these obstacles for me to grow wiser, and to prepare me for a future with a worthwhile partner for life.
That there really are people who are willing to be my mattresses 24/7, cushioning me when I fall.
It does not mean that I view the uncertainty ahead without trepidation, but at least, I have acceptance.
April 14, 2009
Pep Talk
A close friend has been going through career issues that have significantly dampened her usually positive and nonchalant outlook. As I gave her my perspective and dose of self-motivation, I realised how much it applied to my own problems as well.
The reality is, it's too easy to be down and depressed, because life is hard to begin with. At the end of the day, however, my life is what I choose to make of it. Do I want to be happy, or sad? Of course, there will always be external factors that influence my mood, but these are beyond my control to begin with. So ultimately, it is my perspective which matters the most.
To some extent, it can be considered a way of self-deluding. But the way I see it, everyone needs some coping mechanisms. There are those who are blessed with the hardwired ability to contemplate less. Well, good for them. But for others, realism can be spiritually destructive and all-consuming. I know it's a precipice of freefall once I let go of my anchor to what's worth living for, and allow myself to step beyond the edge of no return.
So I tell myself that it's okay to be down, but someday, I'll have to learn how to stand up again. Life is too short to be worth being unhappy about, particularly in these best years of my life! I'm still young and able to enjoy life, instead of being bogged down by sadness...
On the days when the going gets hard, when I lose sight of the shore and of life's beauty, I'll return to this and like a mantra, remind myself again and again.
The reality is, it's too easy to be down and depressed, because life is hard to begin with. At the end of the day, however, my life is what I choose to make of it. Do I want to be happy, or sad? Of course, there will always be external factors that influence my mood, but these are beyond my control to begin with. So ultimately, it is my perspective which matters the most.
To some extent, it can be considered a way of self-deluding. But the way I see it, everyone needs some coping mechanisms. There are those who are blessed with the hardwired ability to contemplate less. Well, good for them. But for others, realism can be spiritually destructive and all-consuming. I know it's a precipice of freefall once I let go of my anchor to what's worth living for, and allow myself to step beyond the edge of no return.
So I tell myself that it's okay to be down, but someday, I'll have to learn how to stand up again. Life is too short to be worth being unhappy about, particularly in these best years of my life! I'm still young and able to enjoy life, instead of being bogged down by sadness...
On the days when the going gets hard, when I lose sight of the shore and of life's beauty, I'll return to this and like a mantra, remind myself again and again.
April 1, 2009
Birthday Present
Thanks girls. I've been wanting this for a long time. You've both made this birthday month more bearable.
March 29, 2009
History Moving Fast Forward
It's the first time I've ever been so intimately involved in helping out at a wedding. School mate, project mate, colleague, then one of my bestest friends. The fate that has brought us together is so intertwined that I can no longer track the paths of cause and effect resulting in our deep friendship.
Ultra sensitive, I hadn't been in the best of emotions to handle such a tumultuous day. One moment I was busy, stressed and angry for plans turned awry, another moment I was overcome by his silence and my loss. I was glad for the people I knew who had moved on to better places in their lives. I was envious of those who enjoyed the simple domestic bliss of husband and adorable kids to go home to. In stark contrast were others with marriage and health problems, whom I was worried for. Despite my mood, I was also ultimately happy to see the familiar faces I had cared about (and still do).
The history moving fast forward is a reality overload.
Notwithstanding the physical exhaustion, I was overwhelmed by the thoughts, tasks, people and emotional ride I had experienced. My brain, feelings, focus and grip on reality shut down several times.
Drained and aching from heartbreak, the concern poured in. My phone beeped incessantly with kind words of encouragement. Yet I couldn't draw myself out of the spiraling downward funk I had dropped into. Then Newly-Wedded Friend jerked me back with a great diversionary SMS.
I only realized then that I'm immeasurably rich. I have people who care so much about my welfare that they keep me in their thoughts. Even if he doesn't. Should I send out an SOS, there are at least seven human pillars of support to save me from drowning.
I just want to thank you.
Ultra sensitive, I hadn't been in the best of emotions to handle such a tumultuous day. One moment I was busy, stressed and angry for plans turned awry, another moment I was overcome by his silence and my loss. I was glad for the people I knew who had moved on to better places in their lives. I was envious of those who enjoyed the simple domestic bliss of husband and adorable kids to go home to. In stark contrast were others with marriage and health problems, whom I was worried for. Despite my mood, I was also ultimately happy to see the familiar faces I had cared about (and still do).
The history moving fast forward is a reality overload.
Notwithstanding the physical exhaustion, I was overwhelmed by the thoughts, tasks, people and emotional ride I had experienced. My brain, feelings, focus and grip on reality shut down several times.
Drained and aching from heartbreak, the concern poured in. My phone beeped incessantly with kind words of encouragement. Yet I couldn't draw myself out of the spiraling downward funk I had dropped into. Then Newly-Wedded Friend jerked me back with a great diversionary SMS.
I only realized then that I'm immeasurably rich. I have people who care so much about my welfare that they keep me in their thoughts. Even if he doesn't. Should I send out an SOS, there are at least seven human pillars of support to save me from drowning.
I just want to thank you.
- Jud for hugging me tightly and telling me I deserve so much more.
- C for telling everyone to watch out for me, and to remember me despite her big night.
- E1 for the words of encouragement, despite not having a single clue why I'm in a wreck.
- E2 for the brute reality, although I know he really cares.
- P for responding promptly, all the time, to my desperate SMSs for help. I'll crash without you.
- J for being around to keep me company, so I don't drive myself crazy with my own thoughts.
March 26, 2009
Goldfish eyes
Blogger was down this morning, just when I really needed some cathartic release through writing. For a moment, I thought that even God was against me (it was actually Google).
I've just been talking to Jane online, and she felt that I should let it all out, rather than avoid and suppress my emotions. So this is likely to be a rambling post, since I'm too shell-shocked, devastated, distracted and in pain to organize my thoughts and writing.
So he's as short-lived as last night.
I hadn't seen it coming, although given my mood, I subconsciously knew I had very little leeway left to spare. I'm not sure what made me so resolute at that particular point. Desperation to save myself? Hardheaded game of bluff? I still wonder where my strength came from.
Actually, some to think of it, it was his reaction that enabled me to walk away. He was upset with me for doing this, although he didn't display it outwardly. When we got home, I went upstairs to clear out his belongings. With some of the loose ends tied up, it was time for him to go. We stood there looking at each other. He was wooden and unapproachable in stance. But I loved him. Love him. I had to hug him. He didn't push me away, but it was a cold, polite reciprocal. I was being emotionally dismissed. Left with no choice but to walk.
You know, there are still so many things I want to do with him, for him. Help mend his mobile phone strap, finally go for diving trips together, worry about money as a couple, quarrel, love, get a house to live with him, have his kids, grow old together.
I have so many things I want to say to him. That I'm sorry things had to end this way. That I love him and wish I could support him by his side. That I still want to do so but can now only from a distance.
That ultimately, I want him to be happy too.
P.s. My friends have been absolutely fantastic. I've never felt so alone, yet so supported in my life. Their understanding and concern have made me want to, at the very least, show that I'm coping, not for myself but to allay their worries. That's about as tenacious a reason for me to get through this day-by-day, hour-by-hour.
I've just been talking to Jane online, and she felt that I should let it all out, rather than avoid and suppress my emotions. So this is likely to be a rambling post, since I'm too shell-shocked, devastated, distracted and in pain to organize my thoughts and writing.
So he's as short-lived as last night.
I hadn't seen it coming, although given my mood, I subconsciously knew I had very little leeway left to spare. I'm not sure what made me so resolute at that particular point. Desperation to save myself? Hardheaded game of bluff? I still wonder where my strength came from.
Actually, some to think of it, it was his reaction that enabled me to walk away. He was upset with me for doing this, although he didn't display it outwardly. When we got home, I went upstairs to clear out his belongings. With some of the loose ends tied up, it was time for him to go. We stood there looking at each other. He was wooden and unapproachable in stance. But I loved him. Love him. I had to hug him. He didn't push me away, but it was a cold, polite reciprocal. I was being emotionally dismissed. Left with no choice but to walk.
You know, there are still so many things I want to do with him, for him. Help mend his mobile phone strap, finally go for diving trips together, worry about money as a couple, quarrel, love, get a house to live with him, have his kids, grow old together.
I have so many things I want to say to him. That I'm sorry things had to end this way. That I love him and wish I could support him by his side. That I still want to do so but can now only from a distance.
That ultimately, I want him to be happy too.
P.s. My friends have been absolutely fantastic. I've never felt so alone, yet so supported in my life. Their understanding and concern have made me want to, at the very least, show that I'm coping, not for myself but to allay their worries. That's about as tenacious a reason for me to get through this day-by-day, hour-by-hour.
March 5, 2009
Girls' Talk
So a late night conversation with Jud goes like this:
J: hii
M: hey! you reckon i should buy a new dress for C's big do?
J: i dunno what to wear
J: i came to ask you the SAME THING.
M: oh best!
J: do u remember the black and white tent dress i bought in BKK?
J: it was a zebra print dress
J: with pockets
J: black and white
J: dunno if i should wear it
M: eh hello... u know between the four of us, how many clothes we bought?
M: how to remember?!
J: hahahaha
Man I miss the girls.
J: hii
M: hey! you reckon i should buy a new dress for C's big do?
J: i dunno what to wear
J: i came to ask you the SAME THING.
M: oh best!
J: do u remember the black and white tent dress i bought in BKK?
J: it was a zebra print dress
J: with pockets
J: black and white
J: dunno if i should wear it
M: eh hello... u know between the four of us, how many clothes we bought?
M: how to remember?!
J: hahahaha
Man I miss the girls.
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