Time

Ever since hitting the Big Three, I have been thinking a lot about time and my life in retrospect. I find myself summing up the past few years' worth of days and hours, only to realise that the majority of that time has been buried in work.

When I first graduated from university, I promised myself not to get caught up in the rat race and become yet another Marxist mode of production. But this is exactly where I am now, being nice to everyone at work, more togged in corporate garb than before, trundling to office at morning peak hours and collapsing in bed after a long day of trying to be politically correct.

For the record, I have a sarcastic and impatient streak by nature (i.e. I'm not nice), I absolutely abhor work wear, and I am not a morning person. How did I get to where I am now??

I'll be honest. Money was a big motivating factor. I wanted a place of my own, of which only a cushy income could help me get there. I wanted to live overseas, which again would not be possible if not for a nicely-padded savings account.


However, each day seems to be getting less enjoyable than the last. I am acutely aware that I am losing flavour in life. Especially with the sudden passing of the Boy's father, I am even more conscious of the time I am wasting.

I once read in an article that an overall state of content is more sustainable than sudden spikes of intense happiness. I don't want the high. I just want to at least be glad of where I am.

I do wonder what or who I am now living for.

Devouring Books

I've been immersing myself in a variety of books recently. Others watch telly as a form of escapism; books are like that for me.

Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
Delivering Happiness by Tony Hsieh

All three left deep impressions on me, partly because of the highly unusual settings of each narrative. More importantly, the stories weren't about self-pity despite the challenging circumstances. The authors spoke of the same fierce fighting spirit, perseverance and courage to be true to oneself.

I picked up a couple of quotes from Delivering Happiness, which I hope will serve as daily reminders whenever things don't go my way. 

When you walk with purpose, you collide with destiny. - Bertice Berry

Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. - Buddha

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit. - H.S. Truman

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. - George Bernard Shaw

Self Time

I did not realise just how long it has been since I have had time to myself just to relax and chill out. Not until this evening.

I had been rushing out to meet him, and was kicking myself for missing the shuttle bus. Running out of speedier transport alternatives, I waited resignedly for an express bus instead. Since it was heading down to town, the bus was deserted. I plugged in to my MP3 player and started blasting a medley of songs:

Cozy in the Rocket by Psapp
Move You (Slow & Steady) by Anya Marina
Angel by Gavin Friday
Beautiful Ones by Suede
Beautiful by Goldfrapp

That felt GOOD.

A Truism on Love?

I was watching a KBS drama earlier called Marry Me, Mary. The protective father in the show tried to dissuade his daughter from loving a seemingly irresponsible rocker who didn't believe in marriage. He told his child: "You can't live together for the next 50 years on love alone."

Not that the statement was untrue, but I realized a second part to the advice was missing: "You can't live together for the next 50 years without love either."

I'm not going to be a fool

Or so I hope.

Two friends within my decidedly small social circle once said, "If something happens to me and I die tomorrow, I'll probably have no regrets."

Wow. That's pretty amazing to me.

What trips me up, is neither of them are extremely easygoing people who are willing to settle. I have known both to uphold fairly high standards for themselves and stuff around them. So what makes them feel that sense of fulfillment? In comparison, do I have overly-high expectations which result in my lack of contentment? Or have I yet to attain the basic wants that makes every modern woman feel complete in this day and age?

I know that had I to die tomorrow, I would surely leave with unfinished business. If I am to pare down to the core basics, I would want get married, have my own house, live overseas, and get a PhD.

The problem is, I'm not sure if I'm progressing in the direction that leads to these goals. They seem to be starkly opposite paths, and I sometimes feel as though I have come to back to the center of indecision. I have perhaps forgotten why I chose this route, or perhaps as I have gotten older, I have ironically realized the fallacy of planning with my head but not my heart.

Even more ironically, I have never thought myself to be a strongly rational decision-maker. Particularly where relationships are concerned.

Just earlier today, I saw some photos of an old friend getting married to another old friend. The boy, his ex, me and this couple all studied in the same school for an extended period of time, so I guess you could say that had I and the boy gone for the wedding dinner, it would have been a treasure trove of gossip, since the ex was there. (I declined the invite very early on, while the boy was on an overseas work trip the day of the dinner.)

I no longer harbor that deep-seated jealousy, discomfort, dislike and guilt towards the ex. I suppose that allowed me to see the pictures with enough equanimity to notice some things. She has aged. There was no sign of that girlishness which early twentysomethings still took with them. She was much neater-looking than I was. But then again, I always look a mess with my crazy hair. But notwithstanding the superficial thoughts, I saw myself in her.

And that scared me.

I saw her years gone past, emotionally invested with someone she probably deeply loved but ended without the fruit of the hard work. Now being with that same man, I believe she must have compromised substantially during that time, loved without purpose, and emerged feeling she was back at the starting point all over again.

Maybe I'm just projecting. You can also say that I've come to the stage where I need a larger purpose for this relationship than simply someone to love. I'm just not sure what that objective or future can be.

An Anniversary

It's been exactly a year since my operation. Despite how fast time has flown by, the ordeal seemed like such a long while ago. Eventful. That's how the year has felt like.

I took 2 months to get back on my feet. Miraculously, I saw past my own disappointment to remain with him. September was spent in Shanghai, Suzhou and Hangzhou. How I made it in those 8 days is a mystery on hindsight. I was foolhardy to have made the trip. I know.

December was spent in Japan skiing and being whipped by the Siberian winds atop Mount Zao. I think I was really trying to enjoy life as much as I could, because my health was so precious and hard to come by. That was while I was battling bronchitis and/or asthma. To this day, I'm not quite certain which one I actually have. I'm told that it'll be there with me for life. I really hope not.

The new year ushered a new job promising more fun and a better pay. Since then, it's been a whirlwind of activities. Sydney in April for training, Jogjakarta in May for holidays, Florida in May for an internal business conference, Yunnan in June for holidays.

Now that I am reflecting back on the year, suddenly I realized I had allowed life to sweep me away. What were the goals I was trying to achieve at the start of this year? Where were my voice and sense of purpose? What did I really want in my life?

I need to regain my center. Leave time for myself. Exercise. Sleep well. Take care of myself first and foremost. Most importantly, health and happiness have to take priority.

Career, Marriage and Happiness

One of the oft-discussed topics among friends and I is what makes us happy. As we get older, we increasingly realize how elusive happiness can be, even if the world may seem to be our individual oyster. And career-mind people as we are, we tend to think that some improvement in our work life will generate greater fulfillment. However, upon reaching that goal, we don't actually find ourselves significantly happier.

So. We're angsty people, no apologies needed?

Earlier this afternoon, an NYT article discussing the determinants to happiness caught my eye, because the author asserts that:

Marital happiness is far more important than anything else in determining personal well-being. If you have a successful marriage, it doesn’t matter how many professional setbacks you endure, you will be reasonably happy. If you have an unsuccessful marriage, it doesn’t matter how many career triumphs you record, you will remain significantly unfulfilled.

The author goes on to cite a solid field of research displaying the lack of a relationship between happiness and money or professional success.

And to be honest, I was pretty impressed. The idea, that money doesn't drive happiness but healthy relationships do, is a fairly convincing one, because of how intuitive it sounds. Until I saw this comment from a fellow reader:

The flaw that always exists in happiness surveys is that one never knows if good marriages make happy people or if happy people make good marriages.

I'm embarrassed to admit how stumped I am. Despite being a researcher, I forgot the causality flaw! Shit!

Today

While others were ushering in the Lunar New Year with reunion dinners, I have been on a TV marathon this evening, thanks to the free Star Movies and HBO trials. Coinciding with Valentine's Day, 27 Dresses was followed by Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, You've Got Mail and Sleepless in Seattle.

The last show feels particularly mellow and warm and fuzzy. So despite inadvertently being held victim to the media's manufactured romanticism, I am also acutely aware of the pitfalls in subscribing to these idealistic imagery. I don't even celebrate Valentine's Day!

But I am digressing. At the end of the day, I can be in the most romantic city, but not feel anything. Love, peace and happiness are all a state of mind.

So have faith. Believe. Indulge in the moment. Enjoy.

Things to do before I die (WIP)

J and I were talking about this over MSN. We promised to jot the items down in each of our blogs, if not as a to-do list, then perhaps as a reminder to always live life like there's no tomorrow.

1. Sky dive
2. Dive in Sipadan
   
3. Climb Mt Kinabalu
4. Live overseas
5. Obtain a PhD
6. Get pink hair colour
   
7. Own a house
8. Get married (but this can't be forced)
   

What else???

A Dash of Nostalgia, a Dollop of Yearning

I was searching on LinkedIn for some Korean Internet advertising experts as part of my work, and I came across someone who completed his Comms Masters and PhD in MSU.

My immediate reaction is a mixed bag of feelings - regret, yearning, envy, uncertainty, nostalgia. As much as I've made a decision to stay put where I am (for now), my thoughts inevitably drift to that dream I had invested so much in and had so much anticipation for. If anything, I miss the certainty and clear sense of purpose that going to grad school had given me.

"I could have been there at this very moment."

P.s. I have been sticking by my New Year health resolutions with jogs last Sunday and yesterday. With the breezy weather, the task has actually been quite bearable. The sense of accomplishment is also a big deal for an exercise-hater like me.

20s versus 30s

This conversation occurred between myself and a friend. With 2009 being such a year of change for all of us, the general sentiment and mood has altered dramatically over the transitional past 12-18 months or so.

And looking back, those Twenties were characterized by such a sense of rush, that roller-coaster ride with ups and down and unexpected maneuvers. Yet direction didn't always feel clear-cut and more often than not, it felt like a long search for many unsolved answers to life's questions. Emotions and fervor ran high, although cynicism also set in quickly.

The Thirties, however, feels like a chilled afternoon in a beach chair, with a book and pina colada / magherita / whisky (whatever your drink of poison may be). There is less of a search and need to attain all those ideals held close and dear in our once naive hearts. Understanding sets in, as is the belief that life is meant to be enjoyed, and not suffered in angst.

In those Thirties, life becomes realigned with peace, retrospection, and a greater sense of inner calm. Being comfortable enough to be yourself, rather than living up to the expectations of others.

No wonder people say women in their thirties are attractive. Because they are confident, spend to make themselves feel good, and know exactly what they want.

The sense of self-assuredness sure is liberating.

Close to Heart...

Life and How to Survive It
by Adrian Tan (author of The Teenage Textbook)
12 August 2008, 11:18am

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It's a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable. Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you've already won her heart, you don't need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You're done learning. You've probably been told the big lie that "Learning is a lifelong process" and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters' degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don't you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they're wrong.

The bad news is that you don't need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You're in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I'm here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There's very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you'll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they're 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn't meet their life expectancy. I'm here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy. After all, it's calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average. Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don't need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life's a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate. Don't expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows. What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free. The most important is this: do not work. Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable. Work kills. The Japanese have a term "Karoshi", which means death from overwork. That's the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there's nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust. There's a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are "making a living". No, they're not. They're dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful. People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan "Arbeit macht frei" was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense. Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway. Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself. I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn't do that, I would've been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction - probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don't imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I'll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher. Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don't, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I'm not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence. In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror. I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth.

I now say this to you: be hated. It's not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross. One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it's often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one's own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn't say "be loved". That requires too much compromise. If one changes one's looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone. Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We've taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work - the only kind of work that I find palatable. Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the true worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul. Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn't happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm. You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart. You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you. Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don't, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don't work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone. You're going to have a busy life. Thank goodness there's no life expectancy.

Miracle & Risk

I read this comment somewhere:

I still think that getting married is such a miracle and risk. It's amazing how two people can make a logical, calculated, emotional, irrational decision that they want to spend their two different lives together, for the rest of their lives...

So true.

God's Lessons

For those in the know, the past 3 weeks has felt like a lifetime's worth of experiences all compressed into a single duration of time. Love fought for, lost and regained, close friends getting married or moving country, a short holiday, as well as job cum study plans restarting and trudging slowly ahead.

The relationship aspect was the centerpiece in those few days of sheer anguish. I can't adequately describe how it felt... Perhaps physically as though someone had dug out my heart and left a gaping hole in its place. And mentally as if I was drained of hope, clarity and future. Amidst the heart-wrenching emotional distress, I've wondered why I was made to go through such experiences. Had I done something wrong to deserve it? Was my personality the reason why things had developed so disastrously? Others enjoyed plain-sailing relationships, why not me?

Yet, the biggest lessons I've learnt were also borne out of these circumstances and experiences.

That in order to be loved, I had to love myself first. Hence, I deserved to be shown care and concern like I have similarly invested. Love is a reciprocal affair.

That I didn't have to be a martyr. Ultimately, my happiness mattered too.

That I was too impatient in making progress, to the extent that I tunnel visioned the future. Everything comes in its own time.

That nothing in life is determinate. Why already lay down my conclusions now?

That these incidents happened for a reason. Someone up there had prepared these obstacles for me to grow wiser, and to prepare me for a future with a worthwhile partner for life.

That there really are people who are willing to be my mattresses 24/7, cushioning me when I fall.

It does not mean that I view the uncertainty ahead without trepidation, but at least, I have acceptance.

History Moving Fast Forward

It's the first time I've ever been so intimately involved in helping out at a wedding. School mate, project mate, colleague, then one of my bestest friends. The fate that has brought us together is so intertwined that I can no longer track the paths of cause and effect resulting in our deep friendship.

Ultra sensitive, I hadn't been in the best of emotions to handle such a tumultuous day. One moment I was busy, stressed and angry for plans turned awry, another moment I was overcome by his silence and my loss. I was glad for the people I knew who had moved on to better places in their lives. I was envious of those who enjoyed the simple domestic bliss of husband and adorable kids to go home to. In stark contrast were others with marriage and health problems, whom I was worried for. Despite my mood, I was also ultimately happy to see the familiar faces I had cared about (and still do).

The history moving fast forward is a reality overload.

Notwithstanding the physical exhaustion, I was overwhelmed by the thoughts, tasks, people and emotional ride I had experienced. My brain, feelings, focus and grip on reality shut down several times.

Drained and aching from heartbreak, the concern poured in. My phone beeped incessantly with kind words of encouragement. Yet I couldn't draw myself out of the spiraling downward funk I had dropped into. Then Newly-Wedded Friend jerked me back with a great diversionary SMS.

I only realized then that I'm immeasurably rich. I have people who care so much about my welfare that they keep me in their thoughts. Even if he doesn't. Should I send out an SOS, there are at least seven human pillars of support to save me from drowning.

I just want to thank you.

• Jud for hugging me tightly and telling me I deserve so much more.
• C for telling everyone to watch out for me, and to remember me despite her big night.
• E1 for the words of encouragement, despite not having a single clue why I'm in a wreck.
• E2 for the brute reality, although I know he really cares.
• P for responding promptly, all the time, to my desperate SMSs for help. I'll crash without you.
• J for being around to keep me company, so I don't drive myself crazy with my own thoughts.

I feel loved and blessed because of all of you.

Counting My Blessings

I was assigned to tutor a dyslexic Primary 6 student last Friday.

He could not read nor spell. When I tried to teach him the alphabet, he had problems associating the visual representations of some letters to their sounds, despite my repeated attempts. He was also severely myopic, with vision in each eye reduced to several thousand degrees.

I was momentarily shell-shocked and helpless, because at that very instant, I knew too little about the condition to be able to properly assist him. I wondered if I should speak to his parents, even though it probably wasn't in my authority to do so. Yet, he was in no condition to attend a regular school. I felt sad as well, because it was very likely that he would grow up illiterate, should there be no proper intervention soon.

At the same time, I felt blessed to not have been left out on all the gifts of life - five senses, intellectual and physical ability, and health (somewhat). I have a roof over my head and I don't go to bed hungry. So no matter how bad my work, relationships and emotional well-being may be, I am still considered lucky.

I will try to count my blessings everyday from now on.

Soju, Sashimi & Good Conversation

It was catch-up time with the babes, having not seen them for more than... 3 months? We chatted about work, relationships, gossip, updates, trivia, basically anything under the sun.

Note to self: lemon sour is a great Japanese alcoholic drink!

We don't always get what we want

Then why do people not treasure what they have?
Life can be really heartbreaking. It's really difficult to be bright and shiny.
I'm jealous of the people with hearts that are whole. Flawless. Shiny and beautiful.
But my friends, I pray that your hearts can forever be the above. Be happy and nothing else.

(Via wanida)

Looking Ahead

The beginning of 2009 seems different from previous years. There is a heightened sense of apprehension as I bring forward the unresolved items in my emotional agenda; yet at the same time, the anticipation and eagerness to look ahead glimmers weakly but is undeniably there.

Hope? Not exactly. It's more a feeling of possibility, which admittedly is something new to me. So for once, here are my objectives for the coming year:

1. Hit my target savings amount.
2. Loving myself more - whether in terms of material pampering or emotional protection. As much as I feel the need to be nice to others, I have to learn not to sacrifice at the expense of my own well-being.
3. Being true to myself. More often than I would like, I pretend things are all right when they are not, or that I'm not upset of hurt, even if I am. I owe it to myself and no one else, to take care of me.
4. Learning to let go. As much as I like the reflective aspect of myself, I have to recognize that it is sometimes to my detriment. Over-thinking and reacting to that paranoia can do more damage than it is often given credit for. Then again, while ignorance can be a blessing, self-delusion may also be my downfall. It's a careful equilibrium I need to balance this year.
5. Being healthy. I've been plagued by bad flu bouts, acne outbreaks and chronic urticaria last year. I'm really hoping to eat lesser medication in 2009.
   

Looks like I've set some pretty challenging targets. But I think they are all achievable. It's just an issue of mind over matter.