I met a close old friend last night for dinner. The last time we saw each other was back in September, and we have hardly been in touch since then. She was abashed to know that she missed being there for me while my mom was undergoing her cancer treatment, when I had my disastrous 30th birthday (she forgot about it), when the Boy and I were scrambling to get his dad checked out for cancer.
Yup it's been a pretty tumultuous 6 months.
I'm not sure if I blamed her for being so absent. I guess on some level, I did, but not now anymore. As part of my 2011 solutions, my philosophy is that it's just too tiring to harbor unhappiness for an extended period of time, so I try to let go.
I spoke to the Boy about my friends before, and he thinks I shouldn't expect so much from them, because we have come to a stage where our other halves and/or families form the center of our lives.
I do also wonder if I have the responsibility to keep my friends updated, even if they have not taken the initiative to keep in contact. It takes two hands to clap, right? The problem is, I've got a pretty stubborn hand, which means it's not really in my nature to share and impose on others, even if I do think of them often.
I'm kind of like a snail in its shell, or a clam. Hard to draw out. :)
April 17, 2011
April 12, 2011
Time
Ever since hitting the Big Three, I have been thinking a lot about time and my life in retrospect. I find myself summing up the past few years' worth of days and hours, only to realise that the majority of that time has been buried in work.
When I first graduated from university, I promised myself not to get caught up in the rat race and become yet another Marxist mode of production. But this is exactly where I am now, being nice to everyone at work, more togged in corporate garb than before, trundling to office at morning peak hours and collapsing in bed after a long day of trying to be politically correct.
For the record, I have a sarcastic and impatient streak by nature (i.e. I'm not nice), I absolutely abhor work wear, and I am not a morning person. How did I get to where I am now??
I'll be honest. Money was a big motivating factor. I wanted a place of my own, of which only a cushy income could help me get there. I wanted to live overseas, which again would not be possible if not for a nicely-padded savings account.
However, each day seems to be getting less enjoyable than the last. I am acutely aware that I am losing flavour in life. Especially with the sudden passing of the Boy's father, I am even more conscious of the time I am wasting.
I once read in an article that an overall state of content is more sustainable than sudden spikes of intense happiness. I don't want the high. I just want to at least be glad of where I am.
I do wonder what or who I am now living for.
When I first graduated from university, I promised myself not to get caught up in the rat race and become yet another Marxist mode of production. But this is exactly where I am now, being nice to everyone at work, more togged in corporate garb than before, trundling to office at morning peak hours and collapsing in bed after a long day of trying to be politically correct.
For the record, I have a sarcastic and impatient streak by nature (i.e. I'm not nice), I absolutely abhor work wear, and I am not a morning person. How did I get to where I am now??
I'll be honest. Money was a big motivating factor. I wanted a place of my own, of which only a cushy income could help me get there. I wanted to live overseas, which again would not be possible if not for a nicely-padded savings account.
However, each day seems to be getting less enjoyable than the last. I am acutely aware that I am losing flavour in life. Especially with the sudden passing of the Boy's father, I am even more conscious of the time I am wasting.
I once read in an article that an overall state of content is more sustainable than sudden spikes of intense happiness. I don't want the high. I just want to at least be glad of where I am.
I do wonder what or who I am now living for.
April 7, 2011
Devouring Books
I've been immersing myself in a variety of books recently. Others watch telly as a form of escapism; books are like that for me.
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
Delivering Happiness by Tony Hsieh
All three left deep impressions on me, partly because of the highly unusual settings of each narrative. More importantly, the stories weren't about self-pity despite the challenging circumstances. The authors spoke of the same fierce fighting spirit, perseverance and courage to be true to oneself.
I picked up a couple of quotes from Delivering Happiness, which I hope will serve as daily reminders whenever things don't go my way.
When you walk with purpose, you collide with destiny. - Bertice Berry
Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. - Buddha
It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit. - H.S. Truman
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. - George Bernard Shaw
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
Delivering Happiness by Tony Hsieh
All three left deep impressions on me, partly because of the highly unusual settings of each narrative. More importantly, the stories weren't about self-pity despite the challenging circumstances. The authors spoke of the same fierce fighting spirit, perseverance and courage to be true to oneself.
I picked up a couple of quotes from Delivering Happiness, which I hope will serve as daily reminders whenever things don't go my way.
When you walk with purpose, you collide with destiny. - Bertice Berry
Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. - Buddha
It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit. - H.S. Truman
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. - George Bernard Shaw
April 4, 2011
Amateur Patissiers
Something we were up to over the weekend, for lack of an interesting activity to keep us occupied.
In case it is not immediately obvious from our rough handiwork, the male figure in blue shorts is him holding a heart-shaped balloon. The blue bloopy things are clouds, while the greenish squiggles at the bottom are meant to be grass!
In case it is not immediately obvious from our rough handiwork, the male figure in blue shorts is him holding a heart-shaped balloon. The blue bloopy things are clouds, while the greenish squiggles at the bottom are meant to be grass!
April 1, 2011
March 17, 2011
Birthday Cake
My wish is to be happy every day.
Thank you mom for the cake. Nothing beats knowing I have the love and support of my people.
Thank you mom for the cake. Nothing beats knowing I have the love and support of my people.
March 16, 2011
Loved
Things have been incredibly tough the past week. Today was one of the bad days. I left work feeling drained and ready to throw in the towel.
Mom said she bought me a piece of cake last week for my birthday. She even included a candle, because I said I wanted a birthday cake this year.
But with all that had happened, I did not have the mood nor appetite for celebration. It's been 7 days and the guilt for neglecting the cake has really set in. When I finally reached for the cake box in the fridge, this is what I saw attached to it:
I bawled when I saw the message on the ang bao.
Mom said she bought me a piece of cake last week for my birthday. She even included a candle, because I said I wanted a birthday cake this year.
But with all that had happened, I did not have the mood nor appetite for celebration. It's been 7 days and the guilt for neglecting the cake has really set in. When I finally reached for the cake box in the fridge, this is what I saw attached to it:
I bawled when I saw the message on the ang bao.
February 21, 2011
Self Time
I did not realise just how long it has been since I have had time to myself just to relax and chill out. Not until this evening.
I had been rushing out to meet him, and was kicking myself for missing the shuttle bus. Running out of speedier transport alternatives, I waited resignedly for an express bus instead. Since it was heading down to town, the bus was deserted. I plugged in to my MP3 player and started blasting a medley of songs:
Cozy in the Rocket by Psapp
Move You (Slow & Steady) by Anya Marina
Angel by Gavin Friday
Beautiful Ones by Suede
Beautiful by Goldfrapp
That felt GOOD.
I had been rushing out to meet him, and was kicking myself for missing the shuttle bus. Running out of speedier transport alternatives, I waited resignedly for an express bus instead. Since it was heading down to town, the bus was deserted. I plugged in to my MP3 player and started blasting a medley of songs:
Cozy in the Rocket by Psapp
Move You (Slow & Steady) by Anya Marina
Angel by Gavin Friday
Beautiful Ones by Suede
Beautiful by Goldfrapp
That felt GOOD.
First Time...
I struck lottery!!
It is customary for many people to participate in the annual Hong Bao draw, with a total pot of $10 million for grabs, so I bought for myself and him this year as well.
Having little faith in the odds of these games, I was not expecting to win, and did not bother to check the results until the day after. I thought my quick pick combination matched only 3 1/2 numbers, which would have translated to a mere couple of dollars.
But when I went to redeem my prize, the cashier told me I had won much more than that, which made me involuntarily go "Wah!" I had actually got 4 1/2 numbers right!!
Hehehe!
January 5, 2011
New Year, New Hopes
When I was young, I used to make resolutions because everyone did. By the time my birthday came around in March, I would have already forgotten what my aims were for the year, let alone keep to them. After a few years, I just couldn't be bothered to come up with resolutions anymore. They felt like a waste of time and brain power.
Yes, silly naive me.
It was only after my op in 2008 that I began to take resolutions seriously. Perhaps mortality and the nearing 30s have made me realize how important it was to live life with purpose and fulfillment. So here they are for 2011:
Yes, silly naive me.
It was only after my op in 2008 that I began to take resolutions seriously. Perhaps mortality and the nearing 30s have made me realize how important it was to live life with purpose and fulfillment. So here they are for 2011:
- Eat more fruits
- Drink more water
- Sleep earlier
- Be more physically active
- Be more efficient
- Learn to let go more
- Learn to cook!
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