Goldfish eyes

Blogger was down this morning, just when I really needed some cathartic release through writing. For a moment, I thought that even God was against me (it was actually Google).

I've just been talking to Jane online, and she felt that I should let it all out, rather than avoid and suppress my emotions. So this is likely to be a rambling post, since I'm too shell-shocked, devastated, distracted and in pain to organize my thoughts and writing.

So he's as short-lived as last night.

I hadn't seen it coming, although given my mood, I subconsciously knew I had very little leeway left to spare. I'm not sure what made me so resolute at that particular point. Desperation to save myself? Hardheaded game of bluff? I still wonder where my strength came from.

Actually, some to think of it, it was his reaction that enabled me to walk away. He was upset with me for doing this, although he didn't display it outwardly. When we got home, I went upstairs to clear out his belongings. With some of the loose ends tied up, it was time for him to go. We stood there looking at each other. He was wooden and unapproachable in stance. But I loved him. Love him. I had to hug him. He didn't push me away, but it was a cold, polite reciprocal. I was being emotionally dismissed. Left with no choice but to walk.

You know, there are still so many things I want to do with him, for him. Help mend his mobile phone strap, finally go for diving trips together, worry about money as a couple, quarrel, love, get a house to live with him, have his kids, grow old together.

I have so many things I want to say to him. That I'm sorry things had to end this way. That I love him and wish I could support him by his side. That I still want to do so but can now only from a distance.

That ultimately, I want him to be happy too.

P.s. My friends have been absolutely fantastic. I've never felt so alone, yet so supported in my life. Their understanding and concern have made me want to, at the very least, show that I'm coping, not for myself but to allay their worries. That's about as tenacious a reason for me to get through this day-by-day, hour-by-hour.