I'm not going to be a fool

Or so I hope.

Two friends within my decidedly small social circle once said, "If something happens to me and I die tomorrow, I'll probably have no regrets."

Wow. That's pretty amazing to me.

What trips me up, is neither of them are extremely easygoing people who are willing to settle. I have known both to uphold fairly high standards for themselves and stuff around them. So what makes them feel that sense of fulfillment? In comparison, do I have overly-high expectations which result in my lack of contentment? Or have I yet to attain the basic wants that makes every modern woman feel complete in this day and age?

I know that had I to die tomorrow, I would surely leave with unfinished business. If I am to pare down to the core basics, I would want get married, have my own house, live overseas, and get a PhD.

The problem is, I'm not sure if I'm progressing in the direction that leads to these goals. They seem to be starkly opposite paths, and I sometimes feel as though I have come to back to the center of indecision. I have perhaps forgotten why I chose this route, or perhaps as I have gotten older, I have ironically realized the fallacy of planning with my head but not my heart.

Even more ironically, I have never thought myself to be a strongly rational decision-maker. Particularly where relationships are concerned.

Just earlier today, I saw some photos of an old friend getting married to another old friend. The boy, his ex, me and this couple all studied in the same school for an extended period of time, so I guess you could say that had I and the boy gone for the wedding dinner, it would have been a treasure trove of gossip, since the ex was there. (I declined the invite very early on, while the boy was on an overseas work trip the day of the dinner.)

I no longer harbor that deep-seated jealousy, discomfort, dislike and guilt towards the ex. I suppose that allowed me to see the pictures with enough equanimity to notice some things. She has aged. There was no sign of that girlishness which early twentysomethings still took with them. She was much neater-looking than I was. But then again, I always look a mess with my crazy hair. But notwithstanding the superficial thoughts, I saw myself in her.

And that scared me.

I saw her years gone past, emotionally invested with someone she probably deeply loved but ended without the fruit of the hard work. Now being with that same man, I believe she must have compromised substantially during that time, loved without purpose, and emerged feeling she was back at the starting point all over again.

Maybe I'm just projecting. You can also say that I've come to the stage where I need a larger purpose for this relationship than simply someone to love. I'm just not sure what that objective or future can be.